Cover Story: Unequal love

2009/11/05

P. SELVARANI

While no parent would openly admit favouring one child over another, many do.
P. SELVARANI writes.

THE classic case of parental favouritism can be seen on the popular TV sitcom Friends where whatever Monica Geller does is never good enough for her mother. The latter openly dotes on son Ross and sometimes “forgets” Monica’s existence.

But while the situation in Friends seems overly exaggerated, parental favouritism is a common phenomenon in most societies.

It is especially so in many patriachial Asian families where parents appear more partial to the male offspring or the eldest or youngest child in the family.

Alex*, a 39-year-old IT consultant, recalls how he always felt neglected by his father who doted on his younger sister who was the only girl in the family.

“My father would always hug and cuddle my sister but whenever I tried to give him a hug, he would push me aside or walk away.

“Maybe, being a boy, he wanted to toughen me up but it just made me feel so unloved because we never really did those father-son rough-and-tumble things like playing ball, wrestling or just fooling around, which my cousins used to enjoy with their dad.

“He would also always pick on me and whenever I did anything wrong, I’d be caned or whipped with the belt. My sister, on the other hand, could get away with murder. Although my mother showered her love on us, I resented my father’s presence.”

Not surprisingly, Alex says his relationship with this father who is now in his 70s, is strained.

“We hardly talk when we are together and when we do, it’s more out of courtesy than anything else. My sister is still his favourite child and it shows. It makes me wonder whether he loves me at all,” he says.

In Rita’s* case, however, being the youngest among three girls and a boy, was not all sugar and spice and everything nice as her parents somehow favoured her brother and elder sister more.

“They could do no wrong, especially in my mother’s eyes even though I was the one who stayed home to take care of them in their twilight years. My brother, who lives outstation would only visit once in two months or during special occasions, yet he was always their ‘pet’.

“Even when we were younger and he performed poorly in his exams, they always made excuses for him. But if I so much as scored a B in any subject, I would not hear the end of it.

“It reached a point where I told myself why bother studying so hard because it will never make a difference in the eyes of my mother,” recounts the 40-year-old accounts executive with a tinge of bitterness.

“Whatever I did was always not good enough for her. And we always ended up arguing. I don’t think she hated me but she never showed that she loved us all equally.

“It was so obvious. She ranted and raved when I had a boyfriend of another race and even threatened to disown me. But when my elder sister married someone outside the community, she accepted it without fuss.”

Unfavoured children can suffer from low self-esteem and depression. (Picture posed by models.)

Psychologists say while it is common for parents to favour one child over another, it is usually not done consciously or with bad intent.

Associate Professor Dr Albert Liau, who heads the Department of Psychology at HELP University College, stresses that while favouritism is common, the relationship between parents and the child is bi-directional.

“It is not just parents who influence their children. In fact, children can also influence their parents. For instance, a child with an easygoing temperament will evoke a very different response from the parents compared with one who has a difficult temperament or personality,” he says.

Michael *, who is father to a toddler and an eight-year-old, reluctantly admits to this.

“I know it’s not right. I love them both but I find myself becoming closer to my younger daughter because of her cheery disposition. She is also very loving unlike my elder daughter who tends to be a little Miss Grumps,” he confesses.

Dr Liau says a parent may also favour children who have characteristics that they value.

“For instance, if a parent values academic achievement, the smarter child may be favoured. For a parent who values sports, the less athletic child may not be favoured. There have even been instances where the less attractive child is not favoured in cases where parents value physical attractiveness,” he adds.

Universiti Malaya Medical Centre clinical psychologist Subash Kumar, however, believes that looks and physical appearance are usually not the reasons for favouritism, although cases of favouring the son or the first born is not uncommon.

Parents, he says, sometimes compare one child with another as a form of reverse psychology to make the other child do better.

He says in many cases, parents may be unaware that their “problematic” child has an underlying illness such as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or even dyslexia.

“These conditions make the child look lazy or naughty to lay people, and most often, the academic performance of these children is below par. As these children are usually deemed very naughty and problematic, parents may favour the more normal sibling.”

The obsession with grades, a common trait among Malaysian parents, also plays a role in how children are treated.

Subash says a child may be doing well in sports but the parents may fail to see that he is also an achiever and prefer instead to focus on the one who excels academically.

“Every child is different and unique but sadly, people often compare their children as though they are cars that come out of a factory,” he laments.

Children with ADHD, when left untreated, can also become argumentative, leading to the parents feeling that the child has an attitude problem.

“This again causes the child to be picked on at home. Children with these conditions who are left untreated for long will be emotionally affected in the long run,” he says, adding that he has patients with ADD whose condition was only diagnosed in their adult years.

“Years of being the unfavoured one lead to difficult relationships with the parents and the siblings.

“Often, it is too late as the years of emotional and physical abuse would have taken its toll on the person, causing him/her to suffer from low self-esteem and even depression.”

Subash adds that children who feel sidelined by their parents may also have behavioural problems such as being rebellious, refusing to study to spite their parents, and become argumentative.

On the flip side, he says, the favoured child may also show negative traits such as being bossy, fussy or behaving like a spoilt brat, insisting on getting things his or her own way all the time.

“Personally, I don’t think there is a situation where it is okay to play favourites because it causes a lot of emotional scars to a child, no matter how old he or she is.”

Dr Liau stresses that parents should make the effort not to play favourites.

“As it affects a child’s self-esteem negatively, parents need to appreciate children for who they are. They need to appreciate the different strengths in their children, even if these are strengths they do not value.

“Perhaps mothers and fathers can help to check each other to prevent favouritism. Sometimes they may not even be aware that they are engaging in such practices,” he adds.

* Names of children and parents have been changed.