COVER STORY: What’s the brain got to do with it?

2009/11/10

SUZANNA PILLAY

A woman wants
one man to satisfy her every need while a man wants every woman to satisfy his one little need — sex. SUZANNA PILLAY finds out why from two relationship experts. DO men think about sex all the time, while women crave for love and emotion? Relationship experts Allan and Barbara Pease believe this is true to a certain extent —and is the result of the way the brain is wired in both sexes.

“Men and women want different things when it comes to sex and love. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need while a man wants every woman to satisfy his one little need — sex,” said Allan during a phone interview with Life & Times.

“Understanding that many of your basic urges and feelings are significantly controlled by hormones in the brain and that men and women have different sexual needs and motivations is the key to a good sex life and a happy relationship,” added Barbara.

According to their new book Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love, scientists who have been researching how the human brain operates when in love have concluded that there are three distinct brain systems for mating and reproduction - lust, romantic attachment and romantic love. Distinct hormone activity that evoke specific feelings and behavioural changes in lovers are associated with each of these systems, and love is triggered by a combination of brain chemicals, including dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone, oestrogen and norepinephrine.

For instance, in new relationships when people are pair bonding, oxytocin levels are high, while the sex hormones like testosterone and oestrogen levels surge in lust. In 'love at first sight' the brain produces large amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, euivalent to a drug-induced 'high'which scientifically, like lust, is a likely response to ensure species survival in dire times.

"By understanding the science, you can control your choices and improve your odds in the mating game. Marrying on the basis of love at first sight, for one, is a bad idea because the brain is like that of an addict's. Co-incidentally a large percentage of 'love at first sight' marriages fail." said Allan.

The Pease's cite studies and research conducted on the areas of the brain associated with craving, memory, emotion and attention, called the caudate nucleus, the brain’s hypothalamus (associated with primordial drives like thirst and hunger) and amygdale (arousal), among others. One such study the couple quote on the effect of love on the brain is by prominent anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the United States and Dr Lucy Brown, professor of neuroscience at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine New York. Their research showed that romantic love is connected to the caudate, long-term attachment centred in the front and base of the brain in the ventral putamen and pallidum, while feelings of lust and sexual arousal are mostly located on the left side of the brain.

In another study, Fisher and Brown showed that men and women used different parts of their brain when looking at pictures of their lovers. Women showed more activity in the caudate nucleus while men showed more activity in the visual cortex and visual processing areas, including the area for sexual arousal.

The couple included such scientific references in their book because they appeal to male readers. Forty percent of their readership is male, a triumph , said Allan, considering that 90 per cent of books on relationships in the market are usually read by women. “Usual questions women ask are why the mating and dating game is so difficult today and why men cheat,” said Allan.

“Another common belief is that men who might make good partners are married and that the single and attractive ones are gay.

“That’s not true. Ladies, there are 1.52 million perfect matches in the world between the ages of 18 and 60. They just don’t know how to reach you because they don’t know where you are.” he said.

Women also believe that “Mr Right” will show up and sweep them off their feet.

“Looking for that one person could keep you very lonely. So if you are looking for love, it is pointless to stay at home and wait for your knight in shining armour to show up at your doorstep, because you are going to be very disappointed” said Allan.

He said the mating and dating game today is also difficult because of the concept of political correctness and equality.

“Today, a woman’s role has changed. Most have jobs and can provide for themselves. Young men are intimidated by today’s women because they don’t know what women want or expect from them. In the past, their roles were to provide for women. and they looked to role models like Cary Grant on how to be successful with the ladies. In modern times, with women expressing a preference for sensitive men who are more in touch with their feelings, men are confused about what it means to be masculine.” In their book, the Pease's write that women today consider the perfect male is "one who is a warrior in the workplace, a metrosexual marvel when it comes to clothes, cooking and decoration, a stud in the bedroom, a six-pack god in the gym, a perfect dad, a friend who loves listening to women talk about their problems and a sensitive guy who cries when he watches movies like 'Beaches' and 'Romeo and Juliet'." Unfortunately for women, they added, "this type of man usually has a boyfriend." Apart from unreasonable expectations, Barbara said a relationship will suffer if both parties don’t understand the differences between the sexes or if they constantly try to change each other.

“Today’s men expect four basic things from women: sex, basic services (food, care, etc), to be loved and to be number one.

“Men filter everything they say and do so through these needs. If you can understand which need should be satisfied at which time, he will become easy to handle. This doesn’t change whether he’s married or not.” She said married women, on the other hand, want a man to provide them with resources, love and loyalty as well as to help with the children and chores. “Women also need emotional input. If men want their partner to initiate sex more, they need to be loving, nurturing and do the washing-up: a stressed woman will place sex very low down on her priority list,” she added.

■ Allan and Barbara Pease have written 15 bestsellers including nine numbers ones and have sold over 25 million copies. Their bestsellers include: Why Men Don’t Listen & Women Can’t Read Maps; The Definitive Book Of Body Language; Why Men Don’t Have A Clue And Women Always Need More Shoes; Easy Peasey: People Skills For Life and Questions Are The Answers.