Get a life: Acting our meanings

JESS (pouting): My boss was unfair to me yesterday.

Tess: What did he do that you choose to think that?

Jess: He accused me of something I didn’t do. Then he scolded me when I defended my position.

Tess: He didn’t like you telling your side of the story?

Jess (eyes wet with tears): He was only interested in making me wrong.

Tess: How do you know this?

Jess: I defended myself. I suppose he didn’t like me talking back.

Tess: Is that what you choose to believe?

Jess (fiercely): I believe in truth and fairness. I felt judged by someone I thought should be on my side.

Tess: What does being judged mean to you?

Jess (sadly): It means my boss didn’t value me enough to respect me.

Tess: OK, he didn’t listen. Maybe he was just irritable from a bad day?

Jess: Our values clash.

Tess: What does that mean?

Jess (firmly): I won’t serve anyone who has no faith in me. If truth and fairness isn’t important around here, I’m off.

It’s easy to explain why good things happen. From my conversation with Jess, you can see that it takes some creativity to find meaning when things go sour.

We have a “problem” when there’s a gap between what we have and what we want. If unmanaged, we can feel all kinds of emotion in this space. Problems intensify when we cannot or will not adapt to the gap. This gap is always shifting because life is dynamic – things are always changing. With the world the way it is, it’s good if we’re able to improvise and be confident in different situations, especially in those where there’s no forewarning.

How do you handle setbacks? Are you resilient enough to want to hear what’s really going on, what’s working well, what’s not working well in your work and in your life… and then get cracking to solve problems so life improves?

Some people find ways to cope. Others just mope. Are you willing to frame bad news so it simply becomes evidence that it’s time to learn something new or change the way you handle things?

Tess: It’s amazing how you carry a full load and still find time and energy to exercise!

Tom: My health and fitness are important to me.

Tess: It is to me too. But things come up… tonight we’re having dinner PLUS you’ve brought me my favourite chocolates.

Tom: What needs to happen before you make exercising a priority?

Tom’s right. I’d best embody healthy living by its corresponding behaviour if I’m serious about preventing illness. Then I’d be living my best life. This means saying no to certain things.

It may even mean giving up relationships that dishonour the principles I live by. Not easy, because vested interests usually fight for status quo. Rock the boat, suffer the consequences.

I find that the more I take a stand and lead out on my vision, my principles and my beliefs, the more I am criticised. Moral of the story: Prepare to be swept away if you strike out against the tide.

• I understand jumping to conclusions often results in inaccurate judgment.

• I believe the best judgment is made after studying the relevant information.

• I will get the information I need before I make up my mind about something.

• I feel it’s only fair to base my judgment on fact and within its relevant context.

• The one thing I will do today to make this a part of how I live my life is to make a note of all the things I need more information on before I decide what to do about them.

This is my strategy for taking what I know in my mind and putting it into my muscle. This is how I validate and perform my meaning.

This exercise serves as my check and balance. It prevents me from doing things the way I’ve always done if I know there’s a more effective way to have the life I value. As they say, it’s not what you know, but what you do with what you know, that counts.

As for my friendship with Tom, unfortunately that didn’t last. You see, he took my compliments to mean I had feelings for him when in fact all I was doing was being generous!

He would’ve done a lot better had he paced and matched my values instead of jumping to conclusions.

Wife’s nagging, questioning behaviour

Q: My wife is always going on about where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing. She wants to know what I ate for lunch, the company I had and what we talked about. She nags me constantly as if I’m doing something wrong. She calls in the middle of my day to say the oven doesn’t work. At 6pm she calls to say she’s waiting for me in the car to take us home. I feel like a schoolboy. I’m miserable.

A: My hunch is you have given her reason to doubt you. My instincts tell me you’ve done something in the past that causes her current behaviour, and now you’re attempting to talk your way out, hoping for a quick fix. I hope I’m wrong.

The other alternative could be that she’s formed an identity (her only identity) around being your wife. Her whole life is centred around you and the only way she derives strength is by knowing the two of you are safe and well as a couple. Therefore she is vulnerable should anything happen to you and against anything that she perceives as a threat.

Thus the importance of knowing we are complete on our own, as ourselves. We don’t need our spouse, our children or our workplace relationships to define us.

We are valuable simply because we are alive. We place value on ourselves. We need no one to determine how much we’re worth. With self-love overflowing, we share the spills freely with those near and dear, not allowing space and time to pose a threat to our beingness, self-respect and dignity intact.

Complaining won’t help. How could you communicate so that she shows confidence in you? What could you say so she understands she would do better if she changed her behaviour?

Not hard to forgive mistakes

Q: Do you ever feel bitter about your past? I think many people are angry and they keep it inside them. Then one day they blow up and do drastic things. Look at our last election. People acted on their pent-up frustration. Do you think there can be forgiveness for past mistakes in this case? Now that certain people are no longer in power, it makes them easy targets, don’t you think?

A: When we react, we don’t have much control over our emotions. I think the opposite is true about our last election. I feel people thought hard about their choices before they made them. If we’ve had time to weigh our options, I suppose we’ve prepared ourselves for the consequences.

My feelings are within my control so I’ve chosen not to feel bitter. I’ve decided to feel emotions that empower me, not those that dis-empower me. This gives me strength to stay focused on what’s important to me. This ensures I make up my own mind about things and that I’m not swayed by whichever way the wind blows.

I think most people are fair-minded and forgiving. Most people have no problem forgiving genuine mistakes — mistakes of mis-judgment, mis-calculation and mis-interpretation.

It’s those mistakes of ill-intent and arrogance that people find difficult to swallow. And because people naturally want to know, because people naturally want to feel a sense of ownership and belonging, open communication always helps. It builds trust. In the absence of trust, there is no commitment, no loyalty.