Get a life: Food, sex, money and happiness

“I CAN’T do this anymore. I’d rather be alone than not be the person I want to be. I love life! I want to be fully alive. I want to fully express and freely experience… everything. I’ll get through this. I’ll be okay. I know I will.

“There was no getting round it for me. The only way out was through. Now I know those who love more, lose more. But I was determined not to be unhappy. I knew that to be happy, I had to let go of the notion that I was nothing without him. I had to take on the belief that I am, and can be, all that I choose to be without him. Scratch that. I am and can be everything I choose to be. And I choose courage. I choose confidence. I choose happiness.

“I’ve grieved from the shattered hopes and dreams I had of myself as part of a loving couple. Although inside of me, there’s still a little girl wanting to belong. To move on, having chosen happiness over comfort, I realise if I’m not there for myself, who will be there for me?”

To really know the value of something, I believe one has to experience life with… and without it. Take food, sex, money and happiness, for example. Unless one has travelled the continuum of hunger and fulfillment, sex and celibacy, wealth and poverty, happiness and sorrow, is it possible to truly appreciate these?

Food and sex are life’s two essentials. They satisfy man’s lower needs, our survival needs. These must be attended to and managed even before we attempt to fulfil our higher needs – wisdom, justice, contribution, legacy etc.

For who will think of law and order when needing to fill the stomachs of our children?

Q: The most important criteria for a man selecting his mate?

A: The size of her boobs.

All you girls who answered “brains”, go and stand in the corner!

But not before you fix your hair and powder your nose.

Food, sex, and money are all transient, meaning the pleasure doesn’t last. To relive their benefits requires repetition of the activity. Imagine having sex once and enough to last a lifetime. I wouldn’t buy that pill, would you?

I find people who are happy all the time weird. It’s just not realistic. Why do women keep shopping and men go bed hopping? Well, that’s just our need for repetition driving our behaviour!

Can money buy happiness? To know, make a list of all the things that truly bring you joy. Then check against what’s available for purchase. Can we calculate the financial value of a good sex life? For the emotionally healthy, I say more sex, more happiness. Happy people have more energy to persevere and to bounce back after being knocked down. We are more proactive, more effective and more productive. Therefore more sex, more success!

I coach towards personal transformation by clarifying purpose and direction. I work to enhance and solidify meaning because this drives performance. Effective performance leads to an optimal life. “Optimal” connotes superlative – the most favourable or best condition; hence, my proposition for our “best life.” Under these conditions of increased self-worth, a sense of belonging and dignity, the body releases chemicals which help produce feelings of happiness.

See how happiness is linked to meaning and performance?

Do you know that we can train ourselves to feel happy? Happiness is a composite mind – body state, just like optimism, peacefulness, and determination are composite states.

We can get “happy” by combining “cheerfulness” and “sunny disposition” with “easygoing” and “playfulness.” Practice remembering the times when we felt all these states, do this fast enough, and our amazing mind-body forms a roadmap, allowing us to revisit the feeling of “happy.”

So here’s my recipe for happiness. Start with the relationship you have with yourself. What have you done to take care of yourself today? Remember, even the Energiser bunny runs out of battery, so find and protect your source of vitality. I avoid gossipy and judgmental people. They’re negative and they drain my energy.

Happiness is a side effect of having a sense of purpose and a sense of belonging, from having meaning and control around the things that are important to us.

Identify your strengths. Be grateful for everything you’ve got. Make every moment count. The more interests you have, the happier you’ll be. Life is a gift.

So come on, be happy.

Affair’s cooling off

Q: I’ve been seeing this married man for five years. I’m not proud of myself but we had a good thing and I believed we were at our best when things were good. Now I feel he has stopped trying. Although he doesn’t ask, I feel he wants his space and we don’t see much of each other. I think about the good times and get really depressed. How I wish we could have that again. There’s not much hope when I’m the only one trying, is there?

A: My grandmother would say: “You made your bed, now you sleep in it.” What loss exactly are you mourning, sister? Can you actually lose something you never had? Being the other woman has its pros and cons. If you entered the relationship with the agreement and understanding that you’d both make it good while it lasts, fine. Then, you’ve already benefited, haven’t you? With him being married, and not committed enough to his marriage to be faithful, how long did you actually think it would last for you? Not judging here (I’m sure he’s amazing) but just being practical. When habituation sets in, what most women want is commitment and mutual respect to live a productive and comfortable enough life. At this stage, what do want that you feel is fair? Surely it doesn’t involve competing with his wife? Why not speak openly with him? Then decide what you can live with. In my books, it’s over when he doesn’t show up when he says he will. It’s over when you’re happier remembering the past than planning the future. It’s over when your self-esteem is suffering.

Fear of competition

Q: I want to give up every time I see someone do better than me. I know this is silly but I can’t help it. I’m quite good at what I do actually and when I’m not in a competitive situation, I can survive quite well. But when I feel my bosses’ eyes on me or when either I or my team is pitched against other people, I lose focus and confidence. I want to feel better about myself. Can you help?

A: So you feel okay when you’re on your own but lose it when you feel you have to compete with others? Then why not just perform for yourself? The issue here is your self image, how you see yourself. If you rate yourself against your own ability, you fare well. When you rate yourself in comparison with others, you feel bad. Why not set your standards and then determine your own worth? Let there be a space between what others say and who you really are. You know the difference. Realising that feedback from others would be coated with personal opinion and judgment, and not on a clean set of criteria, why depend on other people’s opinions to know how good you are? The information would be faulty anyway. As for comparing yourself with others, I only have this to say. We can’t fail if we don’t give up. Do you realise that we have to give other people our permission for them to beat us? If we withhold our permission, all it means is we live to fight another day. Another day, another chance to improve, to do better! What an amazing frame of mind. So stay positive and go for it. After all, the person who keeps learning (and therefore winning) is you.