Get a life: Action vs attraction

THEY say when it rains, it pours, and presently, it’s raining cats and dogs on my horizon. So much so I’ve had to re-evaluate what’s important in my life, my business and my relationships.

I’ve also been handling issues related to the security, health and well-being of my family.

Nothing transforms a woman into a warrior faster than having to protect her family, her property, and her identity. Mismatching values and objectives with others has left me confused and conflicted.

I find myself grappling with my ego-self, wrestling with my emotions, as I ask the question, “Who am I essentially, what do I really want?”

I’ve felt disadvantaged. At times I’ve felt downright angry. My anger makes me realise I’m hurting, that my rights are being violated and my needs aren’t being adequately met. My anger tells me something isn’t right… I’m giving more than I can comfortably provide and that my beliefs and values are being compromised.

I’ve felt stressed and anxious. I’m aware my irritation is only an expression of me, not who I am. Usually I withhold my impatience. I show my temper when it’s directed at producing a specific outcome, or when I know my anger is legitimate and my value of authenticity overrides my need to be “right.”

People say: “You’re about developing potential. You wouldn’t resort to tough measures of redress, would you?”

My friends say: “You’ll never make it in business. You wear your heart on your sleeve.”

They say: “If you were employed, your generosity, tenacity and determination would enrich you. You’re a leader, and this could weaken you.”

I consider myself as equally intuitive as I am sensory. I rely on intelligence and evidence just as much as I do on my gut feelings, conscience and inner voice… to learn and understand.

Intuition is knowing before thinking. What I’m “about” is self-esteem, integrity, mutual-respect and fairness. I most certainly will be accountable. I definitely will exercise my responsibility to protect these values in the society where I live and work.

I find men especially quick to label an assertive woman “unfeminine.” I suppose male (chauvinists) are more comfortable with the “damsel in distress” representation of the female gender. Perhaps complete submission from the “weaker sex” fits better with their ego!

When she shows her temper, a woman is often dismissed as irrational. Her anger may not only disqualify what she says, but who she is. With all that’s happening, I ask, do you know what you stand for?

Anger is emotion. Emotion is energy-in-motion. A pebble, a glass of water, your hand, everything you touch, taste, or smell, is all made up of molecules, which are made of nothing but vibrating packets of energy. Everything in the physical world is made out of atoms and atoms are made up of energy.

An idea precedes the thing. A thought starts a feeling, and before you know what’s happening, you’re living it. So our thoughts not only matter, they create matter!

Our mind is where everything starts. Our beliefs don’t simply reflect our reality, they create our reality. What’s real to me is my love for my family and my loyalty to my friends. I stand for truth and justice, do you?

You may have read “The Secret” or heard about “The Law of Attraction”. The power of focus is the core concept. We know a laser beam can cut through steel. The more focus, the more precision… the more we can harness the collective energy, to bring our ideas into reality. Well and good, but without action, attraction would, at best, keep us stuck in wonderland.

There’s a saying, “when you pray, move your feet.” Unless we work our thoughts to impeccable clarity, churn up enough energy to deliver them from our mind into our muscle, nothing will materialise. To actualise our goals, we need to do, not just dream.

Motivation is ineffective. How can we be sure of anything if we keep depending on other people? If we’re looking for a helping hand, aren’t the most reliable ones found at the end of our arms?

Only knowing exactly what we want and why we want to achieve our goals will drive us to achieving them.

This is the age of the knowledge worker. This is no longer a time for governments, corporations or organisations.

Look around you. See what I mean? Remember World Comm? Enron? Look at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Now is the time you and I exercise control. It’s up to you and me to be the change we want to see in the world.

Just criticising won’t help

Q. I wish people knew my boss for the control-freak that he is. He surrounds himself with incompetent people who do his bidding and agree with him all the time. If he doesn’t give them direct instruction, they can’t think for themselves. In areas where he doesn’t have experience, we mess up all the time because he is driven by misperception and wrong information. People like me just keep our heads down to avoid getting hit.

A. How does criticising benefit you? What are you doing to improve your situation under the circumstances? If you think like a victim, you are only disempowering yourself. It makes you sound weak and helpless, and oh so unattractive.

How good are you at what you do? How are you communicating all the ways you add value to your department and organisation? How much confidence do you inspire with the work that you do, so that your superiors and co-workers will take notice of what you say, and the advice you give?

It’s often about our self and not about others. When we focus on the weaknesses of others, our locus of control becomes external. This means we allow outside forces to have power over us and prevent us from achieving our best.

This is what I call a “cop-out” strategy. Reminds me of a maid I once had. “I don’t know,” was her tactic for getting out of everything.

My advice is, if you want a better life, use your initiative. Find ways to make a positive difference. Work to bring relief, solve problems, don’t talk about them.

Stop and think

Q. I’m 36, divorced and have no children. I’ve just started seeing someone I’m deeply attracted to. He has shown interest but I think I fancy him more than he likes me. I want to sleep with him, but is this too soon? I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

A. Stop and think. Having a man is nice, but is he a nice man? Will he be a gentleman when it’s over? Will he be decent and see your time together, no matter how brief, in the right perspective? I refer to it being a temporary thing because from what you say, you obviously don’t know him well enough to know if he’s long-term material. If he is, you don’t want this to come back and haunt you.

If you plunge into this, be prepared for the surprises (pitfalls) that are inevitable. From all accounts, men handle one-night stands pretty well. In fact, they applaud each other when they “score.”

However, bet’s on the table that when a woman treats it as “just sex”, the male ego is dented and nerves are frayed. Oh my, men behave like Chicken Little and act as if the sky is falling!

Why not set some frames before you take it any further? Make sure both of you are okay with where you are and where you’re headed. Nobody likes to feel taken advantage of, and that includes men. Talk, so things turn out in a way that you both can handle.