Seduction and feelings of guilt

Q. Recently, when I was attending a seminar overseas, a woman came to my room. She was a very pretty executive who was also attending the conference. Now I’m feeling bad because, if my wife finds out (she won’t unless I tell her), she would be very hurt. How can it be bad when we were two consenting adults with no strings attached?

A. Nothing is ever good or bad, only thinking that makes it so — words of wisdom from the Bard himself. I am not in a position to pass judgment, so I’ll tell you how I’d feel as a woman. If I were in your shoes – married and away from home, and a man tried to seduce me, I can understand how it would be very difficult to resist.

After all, why should marriage be like a prison? We’re married, not dead you know… especially if it’s “just sex” and for pure pleasure! Once over, we’d feel good as new, maybe better. Some of my friends call it rejuvenation.

Only rejuvenating it isn’t. I’d imagine it’s draining. Gone would be the innocence, the openness and the honesty. What would take its place would be duplicity, that is,living a closed and double life of withholding and withdrawing caused by guilt and shame.

For those with a lesser conscience, there’d be comparing and fault-finding, because of ready and available replacement options for sexual recreation. No one can convince me these are the elements for a happy marriage.

That said, I’d never want to control my partner. Doing so would bring a death of a different kind. I’d work on staying open and trusting and vulnerable because I know that is how I’d be my most loving. And I’d always want to be that with the man I love — he would deserve nothing less.

Something missing

in her life



Q. I am in my 40s and I have a good job. My husband provides well for the children and me. He’s a decent man but not romantic. I wish he were more showy, you know, demonstrate his caring more. Lately I’ve been feeling there’s something missing. I feel lonely and sad. I don’t know how to describe it. What’s wrong with me?



A. If you’re like most women, your energy is fully occupied with developing your career, raising your children and keeping house, not to mention, being wife and partner to your husband. Most men (and many women) take this load for granted, but let me say it’s no mean feat. So naturally we feel overwhelmed at times, and with good reason.

Ask a woman what she wants and oftentimes she will answer, “I don’t know”. She’ll probably look at you as if you were crazy and ask: “You mean I have a right to have what I want?”

Women tend to place their needs last, after everyone else is looked after – a mistake, because anything running-on-empty wears itself out in the shortest time. Nobody does well when depleted (especially of spunk and a healthy dose of humour) Furthermore, men aren’t really good at being supportive. Sorry boys, but in this culture you’ve been raised to believe that girls will just take care of everything.

Let me cue you in on something, boys. Girls need tender loving care just as much as you do. We really like it when you make us feel heard and understood.

We need to be shown (not told) that you’ll be there when we need support. We need you not only for your body, but also for your heart and mind and spirit... so we’d feel like nothing’s missing.