GET A LIFE: Tale of seven desires

ACCORDING to Mahatma Gandhi, the seven things that will destroy us are wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, and politics without principle.

As I reflect upon this, I am forced to consider the distinctions between ego and conscience, will and desire, influence and control. Sometimes I can barely see the line dividing passion and despotism.

Human nature is so fragile; its bright side and dark side is on the same continuum – one slip and we could be shaking hands with Satan! How strong was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I wonder?

Intent separates rape from sex. Case studies reveal that the highest incidence of sex crimes occurs when the perpetrator is someone the victim knows, rather than when the attacker is a stranger.

Research proves that vice responds to opportunity and occasion. Anyone is capable.

People say “when you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other”. They’re talking about cause and effect. When we choose the behaviour, we choose the consequence.

Others might say the end justifies the means. To these I say: “Stand next to Hitler.” Look at what’s happened in Iraq. Life for oil.

“Most trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important,” says T.S. Eliot. Interpret important to mean powerful.

If lust is desire gone mad, self-importance, arrogance and greed, makes us mad. They blow our needs out of proportion. The desire is for conquest and possession. The objective is personal gratification. How does this serve the greater good?

What do you think Eisenhower meant when he said “the supreme quality for leadership is integrity”?

When we think only of satisfying our personal desires, when we disregard long-term consequences, when we violate our principles and disregard our values, when we place everything we’re supposed to love and protect at risk, when we break the sacred trust between ourselves and those we profess to honour and respect, are we ultimately displaying leadership?

Will you vote leadership in, morality out?

Eventually the law of the universe will preside, and we’ll pay our karmic debt. Wealth or no wealth, power or no power, it’ll be ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

How does history judge a man? A man equals his reputation. A man is but his name. He will be remembered for his contribution… by how he makes others feel, and from what he leaves behind.

Do I sound judgmental? I am first and foremost a woman. Then I am a mother.

I know how it feels to have someone I love betray my trust. I know how it feels to have my nest tampered with.

I take my hat off to women whose religion makes it okay for their husbands to share a bed with more than one wife. Already some of us struggle when we share our man with more than one woman!

If my beliefs are misplaced then all that I stand for is worthless. My sacrifices come to nought.

I believe who we are, is more important than what we do. I think trustworthiness comes from competence AND character. Character is about being and competence is about doing.

To me, trust can only happen when we perform our values. Is this a fair statement?

We earn someone’s trust when we implement… according to values and principles. When we’re competent in making things happen… within a culture that all accept as fair and just, we say we have a culture of performance, of transparency.

Let’s make a deal. Right here, right now, let’s you and I agree: You give me your trust and I will hold you in my confidence. I will earn your trust by empowering you.

I say: Our friendship has one purpose, and one purpose only. It exists to make you stronger. It enables you to learn the skills to live your best life. You decide to trust me because you believe I can add value to your life.

It’s a deal breaker when what I do directly or indirectly tarnishes your image. Our agreement goes straight to hell when what I say discredits you or casts aspersions against your character or your competence.

When my duplicity, double-speak, or double-dealing causes confusion as to what the truth actually is, I would’ve failed to act responsibly to our accord.

If words make a man, the stain upon his character despoils him. What will you have? Must leadership and morality form a partnership?

Yummy, yummy, slim, slim

Q. I hate my body. I want to wear my favourite things but I look so lumpy in them. So I’m always in baggy clothes. I don’t care anymore. I’ve cried enough tears and tried enough diets. I will be 29 next month and I’m worried what the rest of my life will be like. I’m thinking of all kinds of operations.

A. Huh. I could be writing this letter to myself. I was in your shoes only a while ago. Not that I’m much lighter now, but I feel so much better about myself. So from my own experience, I can say that it’s all about identity. Do you think of yourself as a slim person? Do you see yourself as worth the trouble? Neither did I, and that’s where the fault lies.
I’ve been on a fitness programme now for more than two years. Let me tell you that nothing tastes as good as slim feels. Here’s how I started. I stuck a fat picture of myself on the fridge door. Then I stuck a picture of the “me” I wanted to look like next to it. Next to that I put a diary of my fitness regime: 3x a week this, 2x a week that, and so on.
I keep a journal of everything I want for myself. It’s a big book and it contains everything I like – the fashion I want to wear, the type of people I want to associate with, the men who would be attracted to me (why, naturally!) I think of myself as worthwhile; only the best will do. Everyday, as I work on myself… on “being” before “having,” I am able to put a tick against those items in the book. The feeling is pure pleasure.

Need to ‘jazz up’ marriage

Q. I think my marriage is going stale, but I’m not sure. We’ve been married nine years, so I’m thinking is this the way most relationships are? I listen to my girlfriends and they say it will be my fault if I let things slide without doing anything to “jazz” things up. These girls think it’s our job to keep things exciting.

A. Aren’t I the worst person to ask? What makes you think there’s something wrong with your marriage? Is it what can you see, hear or feel, that lets you know this?
Your girlfriends seem to be working hard at theirs. How well is it working, did they say?
Some common tell-tale signs that it’s time for an overhaul: When you don’t feel comfortable asking for support, you find yourself getting upset over little things and avoiding the real issues, you feel resentful that you’re giving more than he is or you don’t feel safe to show you’re upset and you keep hiding your real feelings.
It’s best you define for yourself what “going stale” means. If it means that, how would you like your relationship to be? What have you got going for you, that if you focused and worked on, would get you to have what you want? How do you want to feel exactly, when with your partner?
As I said, I’m about mutuality, synergy, trust and confidence. My type of “jazz” is when both parties aren’t afraid to be who they are. While each of us keep working on building trust and confidence, we stay focused on what’s important. Deciding this takes two.