DISASTER MOVIE directed By Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Starring Matt Lanter, Vannessa Minnillo, Kim Kardashian, G. Thang, Nicole Parker and Carmen Electra

THE title of Hollywood’s latest spoof, Disaster Movie, says it all.

It actually takes some effort to stay put in the cinema hall till the end of the show.

From the same filmmakers who brought us Scary Movie and Epic Movie, this movie barely has a story. It spoofs everything from Hannah Montana to High School Musical to Beowulf and even Justin Timberlake, but in a fragmented format.

It mostly concerns Will, played by Matt Lanter, having a dream that the world is going to end on Aug 29 of this year.
Taking parts of Cloverfield and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as its base, the movie starts from 10,001 BC, when a caveman falls into a giant dinosaur dung, then gets bailed up by a buck-toothed, tattooed singer a.k.a. the talented, but troubled, Amy Winehouse.

Sadly, none of this mixing results in anything remotely funny.

When Will wakes up from his dream, he throws a superduper sweet sixteen party, even though he’s 28.

At the birthday function are pregnant teen friend Juno, best buddy Calvin played by G. Thang and his lady Lisa played by sexy Kim Kardashian.

Without warning, the city is pummelled by asteroids, sending Will and his friends out into the streets where they run into an ice storm, a twister, an earthquake and other natural disasters.

Along the way, when he discovers Lisa is trapped in the local museum, Will vows to save her, as well as the planet of course. He must use the mystic powers of the legendary Crystal Skull to do so.

Through it all there are only two funny moments.

One comes when they run into the Enchanted Princess played by Nicole Parker. Her fairy tale look at the world, often accompanied by her singing, is explained as being the result of taking loads of wonderful mind-altering drugs.

The other funny moment is a jab at High School Musical.

The film is also populated with impersonations of people in the news but who are so badly impersonated that they require an introduction like “look everyone, it’s Jessica Simpson”.

There are also appearances from every superhero, from Ironman to Incredible Hulk to Hancock, unspeakably clunky musical numbers and lots of scenes in which women get smacked in the face but don’t die immediately.

I gave up trying to work out all the movies, celebrities and television shows being spoofed. You have to be media literate to get this movie and brain-dead to enjoy it.

Perhaps the most decent aspect of the movie is how current it manages to be.

But ultimately it ends up being a tedious movie-going experience.