GET A LIFE: A matter of perspective

THE truth is, life isn’t a rat race (we aren’t rats). We can choose to get off the hamster wheel and really go places. We don’t need to be in the state of overwhelm all the time.

The first step to becoming a calmer person is to have the humility to admit that you’re often creating your own emergencies. “How much will this really matter one year from now?” Often what you need isn’t a solution, but a dose of perspectives.

The reality is, there’ll always be problems. The trick is to see them in a way that cuts them down to size. “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” Richard Carlson said. “And it’s all small stuff.”

There’s no such thing as THE truth. It’s the truth according to ..........

Absolute reality doesn’t exist. Reality is perceptual. Life is as we are, as we see it.

What you’re conscious or aware of can be totally different from what I perceive even though we’re both exposed to the same situations. Our viewpoints, experiences, evaluations, opinions, findings and beliefs are very personal. Aren’t human beings complicated! We’re the same, but different. When we really understand this, we will stop taking things so personally every time people disagree with us. We can relax more and be less defensive. We’d be less conflicted, less judgmental.

“True happiness doesn’t come when we get rid of all our problems,” Carlson writes, “but when we change our relationship to them.”

As a woman I know how important physical appearance is to getting ahead in our society. Sex sells everything, it seems. See bimbos on cars, on Caterpillars, on combine harvesters. Boobs accentuated can keep an airline in the black. Yet the most tragic, damaging thing a woman can do to herself is to believe that her total value resides in her looks.

Who’s to blame? Are all men shallow? (rhetorical question). I figure the real culprits are women ourselves. When we change our relationship to the ageing process and handle our years with grace and dignity, the result can change Barbie’s proportions and increase happiness quotients across the globe.

“What I did for love,” is the title of a song. I’m more interested in the things we’d do for love... of self.

When our lives are disrupted, when we are forced to take action or make tough decisions, we have two choices. The most natural is to shake with fear, to run and hide and to hope that the panic passes. The other is to realise that there is no such thing as disruption without opportunity.

A coach will ask: “What if you did nothing?” If things stayed the same is a terrifying prospect in itself. Then I’ll ask: “What could you do to recover?” Finally I’ll ask: “What if you succeed?”

Imagine all the ways life can enable you to have more of what you want. Is there a lesson within the struggle? What is life trying to teach you? Maybe it’s saying, “Pay attention.” It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, count every exchange of kindness. Slow down and see beauty in little things. This could add up to the experience of a most wonderful life. Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? When was the last time you felt a spring in your step? What were you doing?

Sometimes life moves so fast we have no time to ask quality control questions. “Does this make me happy? Am I playing to my strengths? Is this right for me?” How we experience our world often depends on:

1. how resilient we are
2. our outlook — whether optimistic or pessimistic
3. how socially intuitive we are
4. how self-aware and
5. our ability to understand context and structure.

Whatever situation we’re in, we’re there through our choices. Until we accept responsibility for our choices, we don’t give ourselves power to do something about how we feel. Until we accept responsibility, our energy would be wasted on feeling angry, frustrated, or tense. Accept responsibility and we’re back in control. Then we’d be able to change our behaviour for a different type of outcome. Kiss today goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow.

Wish me luck, the same to you. But I can’t regret. What I did for love, I did for love.

No time for the real thing

I’M dating this super rich guy who tells me that all the girls he’d dated had worked for him. He says he doesn’t  have time for real relationships because of work commitments. Is he marriage material? I admit the champagne and Porsche make the evenings very enjoyable.

HE doesn’t have time for “real” relationships — what does that tell you? Does this mean all his relationships are “fake”? I suppose wealthy men “buy” love one way or another — perhaps they see it as paying for your time. By buying you meals, they pay for your affection. By buying you gifts, and especially if you give him sex, there are bound to be other “perks.”

It may not sound romantic, but hey, we participate all the time, in “transactions” like these, don’t we? We’re more persuaded by good-looking or qualified people, those with style rather than substance, those who know how to include the trimmings and make us feel good.

The Beatles were wrong! Money CAN buy love (sex and a good time, for sure). But, happiness? Think carefully. Will a life of luxury afford you what you value most? For me, that’s free will and choice to pursue my heart’s desire, courage and confidence to be the person I really am, and the sense of security that life will only get better because I’m in charge of it.

Think also about the trade-off. What you have now for what you could have, if only... You’re independent now. You have a fairly robust self-esteem. Choose to be with the man who makes you feel like a million bucks.