Good fit, great results

THERE can be huge “reality” gaps between groups of people who co-exist within the same society.

Just like a company, there are the leaders who know how to design strategies but don’t have all the details, the doers who have their fingers on the pulse but can’t see the big picture, and everyone else in between. Sometimes, it seems like we’re all hopelessly lost in translation!

Who follows my work? I’ve occupied this space for many months and I’m always curious about who reads my column. Just like how I have guidelines when selecting clients, I suppose the principle “We attract what we are, not what we do” applies. There’s connection when there’s common ground.

I choose to work with people who are open to learning and change. Every change begins with self-awareness, so suitable candidates for a change agent like me would be those committed to their (personal and professional) development and therefore open to new perspectives and receiving feedback. Does this person (or organisation) have a solid sense of self that he can face reality, or is he cocooned in his own PR? Is he willing to engage with me truthfully? Does he have enough thinking capacity to remember, imagine, analyse, contemplate and articulate? Will he crumble and cave in at the slightest provocation, either allowing his hopes and dreams to be diminished or becoming too self-righteous to pause and ponder?

Readers would’ve noticed that I’m not sympathetic with moaners and groaners. My take is that we’re responsible for our lives. Comparing, complaining and criticising are unlikely to go down well with me either. I believe the self is sacred and unique. Neither would I engage in gossiping, pre-judging or making assumptions.

Whatever that doesn’t contribute to creating solutions, encouraging better performance or enriching experiences, isn’t something I’d waste my time on. Nothing sexist or sensational in this column, unfortunately. If you’d like to tear your talons into someone’s character or are ravenous for juicy gossip about who is seeing whom, you’d be disappointed.

No casual cartoon funnies here either, just everyday human issues affecting everyday people. Why aren’t we better off than we were a year ago? Where did we go wrong? How can we get everyone onboard?You’ll learn how to translate aspirations into tangible results.

“We take the matter very seriously,” said the management. Thereafter, they took months to address the issue: “The security of our residents is important. We have stepped up the police patrol in your area.” The resident asked: “What would your officers be looking out for?”

What have you assumed about the thieves? The quality of our performance depends on our attitude (how we see). If the attitude is uncaring and indifferent, no amount of activity will bring about a favourable result. If our perceptual filters are contaminated — with prejudice, self-interest or lack of respect for truth and justice — how good can the outcome of our actions be?

I work to support people’s well-being and success. I have a three-step process:
• Step 1: Build self-esteem.  
• Step 2: Eradicate interferences such as poor attitude, limiting beliefs, crippling self-talk and excuse-making.
• Step 3: Integrate empowering traits within the self to build a new identity.

That’s what I’ve been doing in this space since I began writing. I’m often asked: “Please motivate my son/daughter/employees to live their potential.” When speaking to those mentioned, their frequent response is: “My parents/bosses keep persuading me to do things differently to improve, but they never engage my thinking about my work/life.”

How many of us are guilty of this? We assume power over people. We assume people want what we want. So we skip making the necessary connections to build rapport, we disallow the other party any sense of ownership in the matter. People will tolerate the conclusions of their leaders, but they will act on their own.

The only way to get people to improve their performance is to engage them in a way that requires them to think and then come to new conclusions for the future. As human beings, we are driven by our needs and motivated by our meanings. We do well when we don’t have to worry about our safety and security. We do well when life has meaning.

Life has meaning when we feel important. This is what I’ve been saying since I began writing.

Learning to relax

I CAN’T get along with people at work. I have changed jobs six times because of this. Now I’m jobless and I’m feeling more depressed. I’ve been married for five years. We have no children. Though my husband is supportive of my situation, he can’t relate to what I’m going through because he’s been with the same bank for 15 years. We just returned from Penang and will be off to Phuket next month to help me relax. I know if my dilemma still persists, I can never relax properly. Please help.

Tessie: It seems you have a wonderfully supportive husband who wants the best for you and your marriage. What do you want for yourself? Do you believe you deserve to have what you want? When you have that, what do you think will happen to your problem of not getting along with people at work?

If you look look back, it may be that the world has been evaluating how you’ve performed. From the response and the results (and from your feelings) you can sort of determine if you’ve been doing the right things to get what you want.
You describe with words such as dilemma, jobless and depression, so it seems there’s a struggle. And whenever we experience struggle, it’s most certainly because who we truly are, is fighting to be heard. At the core we are pure love, and when we can’t express that, we are thrown into (all your descriptions).

What do you want to say with your life that you feel you can’t say properly at where you are right now? Where would you need to be, with whom, to be able to express yourself properly? You say you want to “relax properly”. What are you doing each day to have that experience?

I alluded to how you might be separated from self and that’s why you’re experiencing stress. As soon as you know how to “come home to yourself”, that’s when you’ll be able to relax.

Different side to wealth

I’M over 50 and am going through a divorce. I’m scared that I won’t be able to manage my money without my husband. I’ve always depended on him and now for the first time, I’ve to decide things on my own. How can I come out of this in the black?

Tessie: I know the stress you feel and I can say it’s a perfectly normal response to what’s happening. You need to focus on what’s most important at the moment, which is optimising your physical and emotional health. Only then can you make sound decisions.  

Money is a state of mind, as much as it is about counting the beans. Money is an attitude — we can think abundance and feel rich, or we can have plenty and be scarce, miserable and miserly about it.

Let’s talk about the practical aspects first. Just as you need a lawyer for the process, I also suggest you talk to an accountant. The lawyer is there to help you get a fair deal while the accountant is to help you read the cash flows. It’s not what you want, it’s what you can afford. So check your income statements and see how you can make the best of that. It’s an emotional period, so get counsel from friends and family to maintain a balanced viewpoint.

If you’re in employment, I’d suggest continuing — it adds to the “feel good” aspect. If not, get involved in projects to maintain healthy contact with people.

Wealth is a mindset. We feel “rich” when friends show care. People can demonstrate generosity in many ways and if what you need is help around managing your funds, go to those whom you trust for help. It’s the worst mistake to stay home feeling alone and lost about what to do.

Look on the bright side. You’re beginning a new journey. Pack the stuff that inspires courage, confidence and freedom so that you can live your best life!

 

1 / 1