IT is sad to read about the divorce after 28 years of marriage in "Jalani divorces Raja Azmi " (NST, June 28). There is no such thing as a happy divorce, despite putting up a brave front in the full glare of the media.
A divorce is always heartbreaking, emotional and painful, especially when children are involved.
A divorce after all the children have grown up would be an easier situation as the children can come to terms with the parents' separation.
It would be more difficult for younger children.
It is most commendable when the divorcing parties pledge to remain friends despite the tears, past heartaches and misery.
The events after a divorce must be played right by both ex-spouses to ensure an amicable separation and to keep the peace with the children.
The right thing is to move forward with a more forgiving heart instead of harping and replaying on each others' past misdeeds.
It is hoped that any couple heading for divorce would learn to remain amicable as vengeance is disruptive.
In most cases, it is usually the young children who suffer the most in a bitter divorce, where each parent would paint an over exaggerated ugly profile of the other parent.
This serves no purpose and will further alienate the children from the parents. Children will get bored and frustrated that there seems to be just one topic of conversation between the parent and child.
These repeated stories try to portray the other parent as the wrongdoer, when in fact it takes both parties to cause a divorce. This kind of attitude is most disruptive indeed.
It must be remembered that the children are never the guilty party in a divorce and as such must never be made to suffer any agony.
So it is fundamental that each parent never make the children take sides.
When couples eventually get divorced, it does not mean that they should not see each other anymore when the children are still growing up. It is not right to completely disappear from being involved in the child's development.
The task of a single parent bringing up young children involves tremendous commitment, sacrifices and hardship but will never be enough for the child's development.
A growing child with only a single parent can never have a proper childhood. It takes two parents and nothing else. So the other parent not having full custody of the children must still be actively involved to help out in every way -- not just financially but also emotionally and mentally.
It helps when the other parent comes back 'home' every now and then in times of crisis and difficulty.
The children will be re-assured that the family burden is still shared by both parents.
Also, the act of just being there for the child's special occasions like his/her school plays, kindergarten graduation ceremony, birthdays and sports carnival, which are deemed the crucial stages to the child, would mean a lot.
The right way is to move forward in life in a more proactive manner for the family and the children. Remaining friends and committing to be friends through thick and thin is the correct way forward.
There are no winners in any divorce, more so in a less than amicable one, to the extent where the parties go to court to intervene in maintenance payments and custody issues where more often than not, one party would degrade the other in the full view of the public in order to get mileage in the court proceedings. So it is better to seek the amicable way.
Ng Shu Tsung, Kuala Lumpur
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