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Watch: Seri Kembangan guard SLEEPS through bank alarm, shouts of trapped customer

IF you've spent the past week in prison, or trapped under rubble, you've missed a couple of viral stories of modest consequence – but epic eyebrow-raising, head-scratching value. They may be SLIGHTLY past their sell-by date – verdant with mould and redolent of a cadaver floating along the Klang River – but just microwave them and presto: flavourful snacks to be consumed with a wok-full of charcoal tablets. #ICYMI:

 GUARD-WILLING

Take this traumatic tale of an after-hours bank customer, who swung by a Seri Kembangan bank's ATM room to make a quick deposit, only to end up desperate to WITHDRAW when all hell broke loose. Without warning, the ATM, which was PMS-ing, let rip its rape whistle – the security alarm – sending the customer reeling, his shattered ear drums scattered on the floor. Scampering for the glass door, he found it locked: he was trapped with Space Odyssey's HAL 900 in banshee-in-childbirth mode.

In his panic, the customer noticed a security guard seated outside, to the left of the door – and banged on the glass wall with his fists (like a mime, but with props). Incredibly, the night watchman, whose head was slumped forward, was napping.

Now, this guy was a CHAMPION. You have Big Ben sounding off next to you, an almost hysterical man bashing the life out of the glass wall by your side, AND you're a security guard whose job scope must at least include "being conscious" – and your slumber is completely undisturbed. How does he get up every morning… have someone shoot him in the foot? I've heard of deep sleepers, but this is six-feet-under deep.

As Sleeping Beauty dozed on, the customer continued to raise hell, desperate to grab anyone's attention. He is eventually noticed by a bemused passerby, who sprang into action and managed to rouse the security guard from his winter hibernation (what did the Good Samaritan do, fell a tree on him?). This is the part that seems like a Dali dream sequence: once cognizant of the brouhaha, the bank's sleepy sentry shrugged at the zoo exhibit-like customer and said he had no idea how to open the door. (He was probably catching Zs during that part of the job training). He offered no further assistance, because waking up was enough, OK?

With no other recourse, and probably feeling like a (deaf) fool, the glassed-in customer called 999 for help. A Fire and Rescue Department unit arrived shortly after and freed the poor soul, who will likely stick to online banking until the day he dies.

The farcical episode was related by the hapless customer, Justin Lee, on his Facebook page (recently re-shared and gone freshly viral). The post features video of the bank buffoonery, including footage he took post-release, with the head of the CIA comfortably ensconced back in his seat. Uncle Security Guard appears to be awake, and giving off an air that he can definitely be counted on... to count sheep.

In Guard we trust?

 PHONE NO GOOD REASON

A motorist, perhaps with long-held dreams of social media virality, had the good fortune of coming across a horrific car wreck on Tuesday (March 9), and promptly started fangirling. Approaching a makeshift police roadblock, he noticed a freshly-arranged, Baroque scene of a badly damaged car, turned turtle, on the side of the road, surrounded by debris and rescue workers – all vintage Michael Bay.

The citizen journalist wannabe was driving alone, and was without a dash-cam – but would that have stopped Christiane Amanpour? Hell no! The motorist grabbed his smartphone and, perhaps while driving with his feet, moved his vehicle slowly past the crash site with his camera focused on the carnage.

Somehow unnoticed by Carl Bernstein was the fact that the road was LINED with alert traffic cops – one of whom spotted the traffic no-no. The motorist's smartphone hit the dashboard, but it was too late – his no-no had been no-noticed. Within seconds, a no-nonsense cop shouted: "He's playing with his phone. Fine him!"

Chief Wiggum then directed the interrupted documentarian to pull over to the side of the road (for a cavity search?). As he meekly followed orders, the motorist muttered "Oh God". (You're on your own, dude.)

The video was uploaded to the Info Roadblock JPJ/Police Facebook page, clearly intended to serve as a warning to other war correspondent wannabes. Ironically, the footage has gone viral, racking up 1,000 comments, 1,000 shares and 5,000 reactions.

Everybody goes home happy.

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