Sorrow, anxiety, doubt and anger roll in — shoulder to shoulder — as the ceaseless waves do.
The foamy crest is the only garment that shines in their dull raiment of green.
One after the other they crash into the shore, splintering into a thousand pieces that stab me with hurts that I must endure.
But happiness seldom sails to me in the infinite waves. It remains aloof beyond the faraway horizon.
Why does happiness judge me unworthy? I ask this question after reading a report on the happiest nations in the world. Human beings, with much to profit, have devised rankling rankings for everything under the sun. Aargh!
I also ask this question because I perceive that my friends are a gayer lot. They laugh gustily, they possess mightily, they eat mirthfully, they holiday frequently, and they rest peacefully.
They got that sunshine in that pocket, that good soul in their feet. Sure, Mr Timberlake.
I envy them, but not in the way malicious Iago envies Cassio in Shakespeare's Othello.
In some ways, I am no different from my friends. A family have I, a wife and three children. And, a comfortable house and two cars. I was not born into wealth, but I have birthed a little of it.
Yet I am not happy. Is happiness the privilege of a few, is it earned by hard work, is it only a state of mind? Where is my portion of this lubricant of life?
My friends offer me advice, and castigation, as did Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar offer Job (or Ayub) when misery and sorrow wedded him. These 'counsellors', 'psychologists' and religious types tell me:
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS DAILY
This I have done. It helps a little. Just a little. For it is as if I am taking paracetamol. The unhappiness naps for a moment, and awakens soon after.
And when its eyes are wide open, my heart aches again. I have found that "counting your blessings" does not make me happy. It merely numbs me to the reality of my thoughts for a while.
BE CONTENTED
What?! Can a fisherman struggling in the insolent heat and intemperate sea be content? Those who speak loudest about contentment have already gorged themselves silly.
I work 10 tough hours a day, and I earn a fair sum. But the bills are greedy, too. Parents' medical care, kids' education, the loans, etc. How shall I be content when my meagre self is being pulled in so many directions?
SEEK A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD, THEN YOU'LL BE HAPPY
Ah, I have tried this. It is said the "Joy of the Lord" is different from happiness as we know it. It is deeper than the mortal "feeling".
Alas, it is a task beyond my humanly power. When I see suffering and poverty reign, when I see crooked men and women idolised and lionised in Malaysia and elsewhere, when I see the worst traits in humankind amplified, how can I reach to such godly depths of 'joy'?
TAKE JOY IN YOUR FAMILY
Sadly, I cannot do this. Or rather, I tried but failed. I love them. And they love me, I think, in a fashion.
But, there is a wall between us, like a road that bisects a forest. We are a family bound by blood, but blocked by invisible walls.
We talk, my wife and I, about mundane household things. You know, the nuts and bolts of household "administration".
But we do not laugh together or enjoy each other's company. So is it with our kids. We are not dysfunctional. Merely functional. And I would say transactional too.
Think of it as a natural ecosystem that is deeply in balance but not in beauty.
So is the essence of the story of "I" told. "I" is a friend — Joe — who is no longer with us.
But before he shuffled off the mortal coil two years ago, he said this to me in a WhatsApp message: "Bro, I think I missed the point about happiness. I was looking for it too hard. I have been too shallow."
This Easter season, let's hope that we don't miss the point, too, no matter what waves come crashing down on us.
The writer is NST production editor