BOTH my parents passed away more than 10 years ago. Does it make me miss them less or think of them any less as time goes by? No, it doesn’t. There are days when I miss them so much more, especially when I’m at crossroads and need their wise counsel.
I’d always say a prayer for them every time I think of them but there are other ways that I keep their memory alive. I’d look at photos, remember those precious moments that would play like a movie in my mind, and sometimes I’d cook their favourite dishes that are my favourite too.
I have a few clothes belonging to my parents but not too many. Between my siblings and I, we decided to keep some as mementos but gave away the bulk of it to relatives who wanted something to remember them by. It was the same with the rest of their belongings.
Going through my parents’ possessions after their passing was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I felt as though I was trespassing. I felt like a guilty child crossing the boundaries that I’d never done before. It felt disrespectful. And then I remembered the task set to me by my siblings. It was such a big responsibility that I finally decided that there had to be at least two of us there whenever we needed to go through the items to list them for the family. I didn’t want to do it alone. I just couldn’t.
BALM FOR THE SOUL
I remember going to my parents’ house after mum passed away. Dad passed away the year before. I was missing them very much and just wanted to sit in their room. I gently and lovingly touched everything that once belonged to them.
I lay down on their bed and remembered those hours when they were there next to me, and how I could still hug them.
Then I went to my mother’s closet. I opened the doors wide and stared at her clothes hanging there and caught a whiff of her scent. I touched each one, rubbed them against my cheeks and inhaled the faint fragrance that was uniquely mum’s.
I decided to sit inside amongst her clothes and let them all cover me as it felt as though mum was there holding me in a gentle hug. And I cried. I cried like I never had after her passing. There had been no time to properly mourn and have a good cry.
There were so many things to do, so many people to see and absolutely no time to be alone and grieve. As I bawled in the darkened closet, missing mum like my heart would shatter, a bright light suddenly blinded me.
Nothing supernatural happened. My aunt (mum’s sister) yanked open the closet door and asked: “What are you doing sitting in the cupboard like this?” She sounded annoyed but rather relieved too.
She didn’t believe in ghosts but was worried when she heard sobbing coming from inside the cupboard. It was funny when she said it like that. She laughed, and grudgingly, so did I. But I also wanted to punch her because I was so angry with her for rudely breaking the magic of my precious time alone with mum’s things and memories.
With eyes all swollen, she asked me to sit down, have a cup of tea and we chatted about mum. It was one of the nicest afternoons we had had since my parents died; that my aunt could tell me stories about them.
She missed them too. The company and the insight into their lives were a balm to my soul. My aunt also spoke of her parents and their growing-up years — stories of my mum when she was young, and then when she was my age with children and so on.
That afternoon, my aunt told my mum’s story from the time she was a child right until the time she died. I was given new insights into my mum — of her not just as my mother but also as a sister, wife and matriarch of the family who was a talented cook, enterprising caterer and businesswoman.
CLEARING THE CLUTTER
It took quite a while for us to go through my parents’ things. Clearing them out made me think of clearing out mine too. When I die, what would I like to leave behind? What would I want my children to find? Apart from an awesome legacy and some fabulous memories, I’m also thinking of what I wouldn’t want to leave behind. I’d like to clean out and get rid of the skeletons in my closet while I still can.
What I do know for sure is that I’d list down all that I am and all that I have, including passwords to my accounts, especially my social media accounts, so that they can begiven a respectable closure when the time comes.
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the special children society of Ampang. She can be reached at juneitajohari@yahoo.com.