FATHER’S Day is tomorrow and it makes me think of all the male caregivers I’ve known.
I have always admired and respected caregivers no matter their gender or age, and I’ve met quite a few. These include children as young as 9 years old caring for an ill parent; high-functioning special needs young adults caring for their sibling or elderly parents; and men who have no sisters or daughters to help them out. Everyone steps up to this responsibility.
It’s common to stereotype gender for specific roles. People usually think it’s more common for women to be caregivers because of their traditional roles as mothers and carers. There are also more female nurses than male nurses in hospitals. However, data gathered in the US by organisations such as the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) reported that today, 40 per cent of the 40 million Americans caring for a loved one are male. That’s nearly twice as many men assuming the role of a caregiver in the past 15 years.
I once had a neighbour who cared for his daughter with special needs; later on, when his wife had a stroke, he became her caregiver too. He was already a retiree when his wife became ill. So he had time for them. He was a loving and dedicated father and husband.
Although he had help from his sister and other family members as well as a live-in maid, he was the primary caregiver who did everything, from taking them for check-ups to managing the household the way his wife did when she was well.
Sometimes when we bumped into each other during our evening walks up and down our little cul-de-sac road, we’d chat about the things we have to do and the challenges we face in caring for our loved ones. Sadly, he passed away and his two charges are now in the care of his sister.
Although caregiving can put a financial strain on families, the emotional strain can be even greater. Until you’ve figured out what needs to be done, how it has to be done when and by whom, you’d find yourself in a quandary.
RISING TO THE OCCASION
Dealing with day-to-day routines that involve intimate care like a son bathing and dressing his mother or a father bathing and dressing his daughter can turn awkwardness into anger and despair. You struggle with issues of appropriateness and sense of propriety.
Of course you can always consider hiring a private nurse or a professional caregiver to do this, but this requires some planning and financial means. Bathing, dressing and toileting are required parts of caregiving and must be done while maintaining as much personal dignity as possible for the care receiver.
Most of the challenges faced by caregivers arise in the early days when they have to come to terms with the new situation. For example, when your parents fall ill and are no longer able to speak for themselves, you take on the leading role as decision maker.
Although becoming a caregiver is more common these days after you bring your loved one home from the hospital to recuperate at home, employers and friends who have never been on this journey will never be able to fully understand what you’re going through.
They would have heard of the emotional stress and pressure you’re facing that could lead to burnout or depression, but they can’t fathom how this affects you. The fact that you can still show up to work and even laugh at jokes will make them think that you’re okay and they may even trivialise your situation.
In truth, problems faced by both male and female caregivers don’t differ much. You’d find that caregivers of both genders would tell you that they had little or no choice when they found themselves taking on caregiving responsibilities. It happened; they were there and they’re it!
Both genders face problems managing finances and medical care as well as having to deal with stress and neglecting their own health. However, male caregivers might stretch their work hours longer and are less likely to tell their employer about their role as a caregiver. Sometimes they might also need to go from full-time to part-time work as the demands of caring for their ailing loved one increase.
Male caregivers are also less likely to open up to others when they are stressed out or when they are overwhelmed by their caregiving responsibilities. This may further make them feel isolated and lonely, adding to their stress.
When you look at the profile of people who become caregivers, they step into this role at about the same age, doing pretty much the same thing — caring for their loved one.
To all the men out there who are caregivers to their spouse, child or parents, thank you for stepping forward and rolling up your sleeves to be a caregiver.
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Children Society of Ampang. She can be reached at juneitajohari@yahoo.com.