Zaid Mohamad
It’s very natural to compare ourselves with others. Our society works on comparisons. At school, our performance is compared against others. In the working world, the trend continues. But do comparisons help us to improve? What are the effects of doing it to our children?
We grow up and continue living our lives comparing ourselves against so many benchmarks. In many cases, they tell us how well we’re performing against others, or whether we’re contributing to the society, or even if we’re making progress in our area of expertise. However, if we live our lives solely adhering to these external measures, we’ll find that happiness is very hard to come by because we’re increasingly pressured to be one step better than other people.
While that might good in the long term, it could actually be rather detrimental in the short term as we could end up never being satisfied with what we already have. Hence, we need to find a better benchmark to measure ourselves against. This could be in knowing that we’re on the right track while at the same time being able to enjoy the successes that we’ve attained.
For me, to compare is the least effective method when wanting to motivate someone. Let me share my experience on this. When conducting a training session, I generally have my own way of doing things. As long as I get good feedback and have achieved my objectives, I’d conclude that I’d found an effective way.
Whenever an organiser decides to start meddling in my approach, telling me to remove this or that, or say that other trainers would have done things differently, I’d normally disagree politely with the person and tell him that while I value his input and feedback for improvements, I could never deliver like other trainers. I’d even suggest that it’d be better if he engaged that other trainer instead. This is because I would not be able to deliver like another person, without it having a major impact on my performance.
BETTER STRATEGY
Back home, our children would feel the same when we unfairly compare them with others. “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?” Or, “why can’t you be like your cousins?” A better strategy would be to let them live their own life under a certain set of agreed conditions and rules. We can watch them thrive under our loving guidance as we provide them with a lot of support as they strive to do their best under those circumstances.
Once we’re able to establish that, our children will feel free to be themselves and in turn, maximise their own capabilities. When they study, they’ll study hard knowing that they’re pitting themselves against no one but themselves.
They’ll feel liberated knowing that whatever results they deliver in the future would be fairly judged by their parents. If they’re not doing so well, they only have themselves to blame. They should be able to take it and make a commitment to improve the next time. Let’s celebrate our uniqueness, strengths and weaknesses. Be inspired by the success of others but stop short of killing our motivations by unfairly comparing ourselves with others.
Zaid Mohamad coaches and trains parents to experience happier homes and more productive workplaces. Reach him at zaidi@smartparents.com.my.