WE all have many expectations in life.
We want our spouses and children to behave in a certain way.
We learn about those expectations from people who in turn have their own expectations of us.
These include our family, friends, teachers and bosses.
Day in and day out we are exposed to all these expectations.
We usually get into trouble for not delivering any of those expectations.
On the other hand, we get frustrated when our own expectations are not met.
Let’s take spouses, for example.
We want them to behave in a way that is acceptable to our standards.
Our children are also exposed to our expectations.
Everything is happy and fine as long as they deliver on those expectations.
But what happens when a few expectations are not met? Usually we get upset, unhappy and frustrated, leading to negative emotional reactions.
Relationships have been damaged this way.
In the worst case scenario, many are beyond repair.
But what act ua lly happened?Canwelearnto manage our expectations better so that we don’t get frustrated, angr y and unhappy all the time? The secret may lie in not having too many expectations, except for the minimum.
In our relationship with our spouses, we can learn not to expect him or her to be everything in our life.
Let me highlight this with a true story, as shared by Christine L.
Carter, the author of Raising Happiness: In Pursuit of Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.
She writes: “If I asked my grandmother if her late husband was her best friend, her provider, her lover and her partner in parenting and life — her go-to guy for emotional fulfilment, practical help and the centre of her social universe — she would have laughed uproariously.
“She did love her hubby until the day he died and still misses him so much she weeps talking about him more than 30 years after his death.
But my Opa wasn’t her best friend (her girlfriend Beulah was).
She didn’t rely on him for help raising the kids, or with the housework (times have changed!), nor did she expect him to understand her feelings.
She relied on herself for happiness and fulfilment —and truthfully, she didn’t have high expectations there, either.
“But she’d tell you she had a wonderful marriage.
When I asked her if she has had a happy life (she’s now 104 years old), she giggled at the absurdity of the question.
Clearly she has.” The lesson I learnt from that story is that we must rely on ourselves for happiness.
According to Carter: “Today, we expect our spouses to be our partners in just about every realm.
We expect them to be our co-parents, our household running mates, and to help provide for our family financially.
We’d think there was something wrong if they didn’t consider us their soul mate, their go-to buddy and their lover.” Unfortunately, times have changed so much.
We live in a hurried world where time is a premium.
It’s little wonder that we fail to deliver many expectations.
On the f lip side, we have also experienced heartache because our loved ones failed to deliver theirs.
Clearly, this is leading us nowhere on our road to happiness.
Let’s learn from Carter’s grandma’s secret to happiness.
She expected very little from her husband — only that he provide her with financial stability, and that he be faithful to her.
Her grandfather delivered on these things, and as a bonus, shared with her a love of dancing, a social life full of mutual friends and dinner parties, and a joy in raising children and grandchildren.
Carter adds: “My grandmother was content not so much because of what she had in her husband, but because of what she lacked in her expectations.” What a great happiness concept for all of us to apply! Let’s make this concept alive in our own relationships.
Let’s stop blaming our spouse and family for failing to make us happy because we have much more control than that.
The lower our expectations of them, the more resilient we become.
That doesn’t mean that we don’t care about our standards.
What it means is that we learn to rely on ourselves to be happy.
Stop blaming others when things don’t go our way.
Stop getting too frustrated when we don’t get what we want.
If we successfully adopt this attitude, happiness will always be on our side.
And, as a bonus, we may even strengthen the relationships with the people who matter in our lives.