BEN: No charge.
Tess: It’s the third time you’ve come over to help me with this.
Ben: The work’s not difficult.
Tess: Let me pay you something for your time and effort.
Ben: I don’t feel comfortable asking for money.
Tess: Hmmm.
Would you like some coaching about this?
Ben: Yes please.
I invite Ben over to the living room and we sit down.
Tess: How do you feel about working for free, Ben? Truthfully.
Ben (body slumped): I actually think it’s unfair.
Tess: Thanks for being honest.
What’s underneath that thought? I’m going for a feeling.
Ben (whispers): Frustration... at my weakness. Anger...at myself.
Tess: So you’ve turned your emotions against yourself.
You beat yourself up.
What else do you feel? Ben: Contempt for myself.
Tess: How does this affect the quality of your life?
Ben: With anger so close to the surface, I can’t trust myself.
Plus I feel unworthy...ashamed almost.
I’m guessing Ben knows he’s stuck.
Tess: This isn’t working for you, is it Ben? What do you want changed?
Ben: I must get real.
Tess: What does that mean? Ben: I need strength to tell the truth.
Tess: And what does that mean?
Ben: I must stand for what I believe is fair.
Tess: With what you’ve just said, what do you want to achieve for yourself?
Ben: Self-respect
Tess: When you build self-respect, what becomes possible?
Ben (takes a deep breath and looks upwards): I’d stop feeling so powerless.
I’d stop feeling so afraid.
Tess: What do you need to begin the process? Example: What do you need to believe about yourself.
Ben: I provide solutions; I’m worthwhile! It’s fair to give and receive — it’s a fair exchange.
Tess: As you were describing yourself, did you feel any resistance or discomfort in your body — I hear fairness is a thing for you.
Ben: In our family, nobody ever speaks about money.
We’ve been raised to think discussing money is crass.
Money is not discussed in polite company.
Tess: Ahhh.
so you want to avoid...what?
Ben: Unpleasantness, I suppose.
Looks like we’ve uncovered the root of the behaviour!
Tess: Is it “fair” to apply that type of thinking to a work situation, one where your wellbeing depends on how much you earn? How do you think other professionals manage?
Ben: I guess it’s all right to discuss money because it’s work-related.
Tess: Say that in a way that empowers your behaviour with money.
Ben: I will state my fees clearly upfront so that I enable my clients to contract properly with me.
Tess: What else would you need so the process is smooth and pleasant?
Ben: Start using quotations, invoices, and receipts?
Tess: Nice! From this story, if I asked you what was that one thing that held Ben back from being authentic and truthful, what would you say? Then ask yourself the same question.
Going into 2015 and having had this column space for some years, I asked myself: What is the one thing I could support my readers with, that if they overcame that, would enable them to feel lighter, brighter and happier human beings? Here’s what I propose.
Don’t let the opinions of other people determine the image you have of yourself.
There is no need to feel either appreciated or understood.
What you think about yourself is everything.
What others think about you has no value at all, unless you choose to give it value.
Deepak Chopra is famous for saying, “Be free and independent of the good and bad opinions of others.
Be fearless.” The work is to relinquish the need to control, the need for approval, and the need to judge.
Those are the three things our ego is doing all the time.
It’s important to notice every time you feel compelled to act this way.
Then from, “What do I need now?” turn your question into, “Who would I like to be?” Our self-image controls the results in our life.
We can live the life we want by deciding who and what we want to be, and then acting like that person.
Improving our self-image is the first step towards improving our results.
If you want a new year, not just another year, start thinking of all the things you want changed for the better.
Pay attention to the results you’ve been getting.
As someone observed, doing more of what doesn’t work, doesn’t work!
Seek fairness or get even?
A SENIOR staff aged 52 from HQ was transferred to my branch but for two years has contributed nothing — he’s stubborn, and reluctant to learn.
He’s also “protected”, because there doesn’t seem to be any consequence to his non-performance.
The team is frustrated and demoralised.
How best can we deal with this?
WHAT upsets you the most? What is this conversation really about? Are we talking about fairness, how to be heard by management, or how to get revenge for how we’ve been treated? The main question is always: What do you want? The next question is, “What can you control?” You cannot control this 52-year-old man.
You cannot control your managers who seem to treat him special.
It seems you can only control yourself.
But are you in control? You can judge by asking: “Am I feeling what I want to feel, or am I unhappy by choice?” Unless frustrated and demoralised is what you want to be, then isn’t it time to take back control over your work situation? Are you going to allow this man to upset you? Giving away your power to this man, how will that support your career? If you continue blaming your managers and this guy for having lousy days at work, who is the weaker party? What are your chances at getting a positive evaluation, that promotion or that raise, if all management sees is frustration among the team members? How productive can you be when everyone is feeling angry? Decide what you want.
Then decide what you are willing to do to get that.
Here are some suggestions: (1) Team harmony (2) Change in policy (3) Change in leadership (4) Improved communication (5) Fair and accurate performance evaluation.