The story of A loves B but B loves C plagues Aunt Agony’s column. I am often tempted to think that this is a modern-day heartache among teenagers but alas, it is as ancient as the hills.
The French call it La Douleur Exquise — the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone, who is unattainable.
I used to wonder why poets would subject themselves to bouts of melancholy because of unrequited love.
Sir Thomas Wyatt (1503-1542) was one. He was a famous poet and ambassador at the court of Henry VIII and he was one of Anne Boleyn’s suitors but his love was unrequited.
In his poem Whoso List to Hunt, we read about a deer (Anne) being hunted down (by Henry VII) and being out of the poet’s reach because she says “Caesar’s I am”.
Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the intended.
The intended may be oblivious to the admirer’s attraction, or may consciously reject it.
Even in the comic strip Peanuts, we see elements of unrequited love. Schroeder the pianist feels nothing for Lucy despite Lucy’s constant declarations of her love for him.
Charles M. Schulz, its creator says, “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
I was in Copenhagen, Denmark, recently and saw The Little Mermaid, a bronze statue by Edvard Eriksen.
Before I went there, I had re-read the fable by Hans Christian Andersen, so as to refresh my memory about the ill-fated mermaid who swam up to the surface of the sea on her 15th birthday just to have a glimpse of the human world.
There was a storm and a prince was shipwrecked and the mermaid rescued him but he was not aware of who his rescuer was.
She wanted to be near the prince and so exchanged her voice for a pair of legs.
Only the sea witch could do that and every step she took felt like a knife cutting through her legs. The ultimate test was for the prince to marry her, otherwise in the morning after the prince had married another, she would become sea foam.
Fast forward to the end of the story — the prince married another and the mermaid became sea foam.
Some readers argue that the mermaid wanted to have a soul and she could only have that if she were to become human.
But, yet, the theme about unrequited love and subsequently paying a huge sacrifice for it rings loud and clear.
I wonder why people put themselves through situations such as this. Is it self delusion or are they being hopeful?
Granted some people who carry on the waiting and hoping do finally get their prize. These are few and far between but at what cost?
Adele captures this hopeless-
ness in Chasing Pavements, where she sings about flying around in
circles leading nowhere when love
is unrequited.
It is easy for someone on the outside looking in to see how futile unrequited love is.
I think most of us would have at least a friend who has been in that situation.
We certainly deserve more than pining for someone who is unattainable
After endless days of listening and advising a friend of “letting him go”, you see her still trying to establish links with the said party — stalking him online, texting and following him on social media.
Pretty much a waste of time and energy. There’s this quote that goes, “I’m 99 per cent sure that he doesn’t love me but it’s that one per cent that keeps me going”.
Psychologists say that the way to get out of the misery is to acknowledge the injury done to yourself and the need to take care of yourself.
Take comfort in the fact that many had gone through the same situation and emerged stronger.
The biggest challenge is to give up the quest of chasing someone who doesn’t return your affections.
Only then will there be closure.
Dr Koh Soo Ling was a lecturer at Universiti Teknologi Mara and now spends her days enjoying life as it is