ALBERT Einstein said: “I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of a university”. And the Dalai Lama says, “Mutual respect is the foundation of genuine harmony”.
You must know that it takes mutual respect to be true friends with anyone.
My father is 73 years old and continues to be a professor and dean of the faculty of education at a local private university. I love and respect him, infinitely. But it is not only because he is my father, but because he affords me a great deal of respect, too. He invites me to give my opinions on all the important things that impact his life. This is the foundation of my relationship with him. It is the same with my mother, my wife, my brother, my business partners and so on. All the durable and robust relationships that I have, are predicated on mutual respect.
I say durable and robust because all relationships come with some complications. There isn’t a meaningful relationship that I have, which has not seen troubled waters. For example, anyone in a healthy relationship with a spouse or partner will certainly say they have had to put some effort in making that relationship work. You will never see everything exactly the way the other person views them, all the time. There will be convergence, but there will also be conflict.
However, if your relationships are founded on mutual respect, you can work any conflict out.
Likewise, this principle of mutual respect is the basis for congenial relationships that are valuable at the workplace. When you respect your co-workers, you can expect that you will be respected. This is a general guide for you. Sometimes, you will come across opportunist colleagues who may not reciprocate your respect, however, on the whole, such people are an exception to this rule.
But, how do you develop mutual respect at the workplace?
To start, let’s refer to Dr Stephen R. Covey’s philosophy from “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. The fifth habit is “Seek First to Understand, then Be Understood”. Herein, lies the first step for creating mutual respect. Like most people, you want to get your point across. When focusing on doing this, you may perhaps disregard or only selectively hear what the other person is saying to you. Covey argues that most people listen with the intent to reply, and not with the purpose of understanding what is being said.
You lean towards listening to yourself as the other person is speaking to you because you are preparing a suitable response in your mind. As you do this, you filter what is being said to you. Covey suggests that you “listen autobiographically”.
I grapple with this at times. In one of my businesses, which is a thriving neighbourhood restaurant, I have a few business partners. One of my partners, in his day job, is the regional chief financial officer of a huge multinational company. Even though we were really good friends, I used to struggle to really pay attention to what he said. Our discussions frequently centred on financial matters or corporate governance. He is so passionate and intense that I often found his explanations way too complex. This meant I would tune him out and not really listen.
But it eventually occurred to me that I was listening to him “autobiographically” — meaning when he spoke, in my mind, it felt like I was back in sixth form, listening to my economics teacher. That subject did not resonate with me. Incidentally, I switched subjects after half a year.
I was listening to him from my own frame of reference and I struggled. I realised that I had to break this habit. It was hard work and it took some time, but now, I can listen to him and actually “hear” what he is saying. And quite frankly, he is arguably the most valuable business partner I have, because he is exceedingly knowledgeable on matters that I know nothing about.
To listen, shows interest. When you show interest in the other person, they are willing to share their ideas with you. And as you connect with them through mutual respect, you gain remarkable value from your co-workers, business associates and partners.
Through my experience, I have also understood that integrity is another vital component for mutual respect. You need to be sure that you are always straightforward in your dealings with your co-workers.
One of my coachees recently came to me with an issue. She found herself sandwiched between her immediate manager and the chief operating officer (COO) of her company. The conflicted relationship between her manager and the COO was problematic. She had been told by her manager that she was not allowed to share some facts and figures with the COO.
Then she found herself in the unenviable position of being in a meeting chaired by the COO where she was asked a question about something her manager forbid her from sharing. She was in a quandary, but made the spontaneous decision to answer the question, honestly.
She now finds herself at odds with her manager. She is told that she is no longer a trusted ally. And their relationship has gone sour. Of course, I am coaching her to rebuild her relationship with her boss. But the real problem here is that of integrity. I can empathise with my coachee because what she is being asked to do is incongruous with the central tenets of integrity. I know this will be a tough relationship to reconcile.
Integrity, accountability and transparency form the triumvirate of ground rules for developing mutual respect at the workplace. You must be authentic in your transactions with your co-workers, you need to be accountable and take responsibility for your actions, and you have an obligation to be transparent by being truthful about what you say.
Once you are connected to purpose and build mutual respect at the workplace, you will have outstanding relationships with the people you work with, and in turn, deliver great results.
But remember, Confucius said, “…respect yourself and others will respect you”.
Shankar R. Santhiram is managing consultant and executive leadership coach at EQTD Consulting. He is also the author of the national bestseller “So, You Want To Get Promoted?”