Effective parents develop a collaborative learning partnership with their child according to a parenting coach, writes Karen Ho
HARSH tones pound the air. Emotional tactics ensue, followed by the silent treatment and the occasional door slam. A troubled face with watery eyes or a defiant scowl, is on show.
There’s little need to watch a family drama on screen when these happen under your own roof perhaps sparked by your child not completing his/her homework.
Children are valuable gifts but some days you want to return them and demand a refund. When they push your buttons wrongly, your parenting instinct kicks in to discipline them and ensure they learn and improve their behaviour. But parenting shouldn’t just be a one-way lesson. “We forget the key change must be in ourselves before we can change the outside”, believes Dr Yvonne Sum, an Australian-born international speaker and parenting coach with Malaysian roots.
“When they’re not performing to what you think is the best way, you get upset and want to control them. Then you realise you have control issues. For me, parenting is a personal development programme that nature has given us.”
The vivacious mother of two laughingly recalls not knowing how to parent in the beginning but couldn’t find one book or course that suited her. So she decided to write a book.
Her background in running a dental practice and exposure to corporate leadership development led her to realise that “ parenting is also a leadership journey because your first leader at home is your parent.” She adds: “Like all leadership journeys, it’s a relationship journey. Not everyone will follow you because some won’t believe in your ideas and values. So I realised that as a parent, in order for the kids to do what you want, you have to inspire.”
Her book, Intentional Parenting — How to Get Results for Both You and Your Kids, not only draws on leadership skills but also on parenting as a learning partnership between parents and kids. The term “intentional parenting” arose from the author frequently asking readers to set their intention as a parent.
“In my book, I ask the question ‘Why are you parenting? What does it give you personally?’ Most people never ask that.” She found that many tend to have a similar and logical answer, reflecting society’s expectations.
THE 7R’S OF PARENTING
Dr Sum developed a framework of seven R’s with each R representing a foundation stone for successful parenting. “She or he isn’t doing what you want, you get angry, you want it done a certain way, they believe their way is better. That’s usually the case. If you pick one of the 7Rs, say, R for Respect. Let’s look at their point of view how I’m not respecting them. You may find that you haven’t discussed, you’re telling them. That R will suddenly open up a whole view of how I’m not using the R of Role modelling to teach respect because I’m expecting them to be the dumber one.”
Continuing, she adds: “Then you look at another R — what Rules in my relationship with my child needs to change? For 12- year-olds, curfew hours are 8pm, but at 16 it might be 10pm. Have you revisited the Rules based on this Respect? And you can go on and on.”
While this structure or formula is provided, she highlights that the road to achieving parental goals is an experiential process. “Getting the results for you and the kids becomes an organic growth. But the onus is on you to get the results, not your kids. Also, let your co-parent and kids know your expectations.”
From pre-parents to parents of children under 18 years or who are already adults, to trainers and teachers, Dr Sum believes the book’s lessons can apply to many, even those in business. She has already started offering interactive sessions through parenting workshops and webinars to bring to life the 7R’s of Parenting.
Dr Yvonne Sum will conduct her next workshop ‘The 7R’s of Parenting’ on March 4 and 5, 2017.
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7R’S OF PARENTING
1. RESPECT: Respect is earned. For our children to respect us, we have to show them respect. For example, it’s unfair to promise them a reward for cleaning their room then renege on it. Sure, plans sometimes have to be changed for good reasons, in which case do share them with the kids and get their input when deciding how to postpone the reward.
2. RULES: Clearly defined boundaries provide the freedom to act without having to constantly check the situation. It’s vital that parents observe the same rules too. How often do we set rules about say, being on time for a meal, and then we consistently run late from our work!
3. ROUTINE: Like consistent rules, a regular routine can help a young child to make relatively independent choices of say, how much to eat, when they know the next meal time. Are we a good role model too? If our children observe that we have a regular time for exercise or checking emails, they’ll respect our time more too.
4. RUNNING IT/ RESPONSE-ABILITY: This is about managing yourself. Getting organised is important. If we don’t put some degree of structure into place of how we ideally like things to be, we end up letting life run us.
5. REVIEW & REFLECT: This could be about stepping away from an emotionally-charged experience, or counting all the big or small achievements. Think of it as a checkpoint where one realigns, changes course or celebrates being on track or better!
6. RE-ORGANISE: How often have we become stuck in an old routine? It could be that the kids have grown up and left the nest, but our plans still haven’t changed! Find the time to re-visit and re-organise your Personal and Family Plan. Aim to do it regularly, individually and together with significant others.
7. ROLE MODELLING: This is the central core of the programme. Walk your talk. Live your values. You can’t tell the next generation how to live their lives. Show them by example.