THERE is a very real, unpleasant situation shared by thousands of expats the world over — remote caregiver guilt.
Almost a third of all adults share a common feeling of inadequacy when it comes to caring for aging parents in faraway hometowns.
Globalisation has made the world smaller. But at the same time, it has made it bigger and more complex.
In the “good old days” families lived near each other, children moved across the street or town to start their own families or took over the family business.
For many, these days are over. Careers, love or wanderlust take young adults far away from home.
Most parents are understanding, accommodating even, and support their children’s plans to travel the world.
Most long-term migrants leave healthy, self-sufficient parents behind, not only with the promise to be back soon, but also in the awareness that their folks have their own lives to live.
Yet, as the saying goes, nothing is as permanent as a temporary situation. All too soon, the stint abroad becomes almost impossible to cut short and homecoming is no longer an option.
Lives are made on foreign shores, careers are built, and children are born and raised in new communities and properties are purchased.
Distance seems to be no real obstacle thanks to modern technology. Grandparents understand how to skype, summer breaks provide great opportunities for joyful get-togethers.
Mum rejoices in the fact that we call and ask for her secret cake recipe and Dad plans his next trip across the ocean to show these kids how to be real boy scouts.
Over time however, visits grow few and far between, skype calls get shorter, voices more frail. And the guilt slips in.
Daughters should be there to support aging relatives, help during spring-cleaning and accompany parents to difficult medical appointments.
While just a few months ago everybody felt snug as a bug in a rug, long distances can become problematic almost overnight.
As Westerners in Malaysia, we often watch with awe and respect, how local families manage to make room for their elderly parents within their own lives. We acknowledge the fact that hired help is affordable and available here.
Some of us try to persuade our widowed mothers to move here, where the climate is more agreeable to ailing joints and the pace of life leaves more time for shared reminiscing. Alas, by far the majority of parents won’t embrace this opportunity and will leave us to deal with the guilt of the remote caregiver.
While the on-site caregiver experiences stress from hands-on chores, the remote caregiver suffers the strain of organising help, meals and appointments from afar as well as the remorse of not living up to her filial duties.
My own mother had to be relocated to a nursing home recently, under utmost resistance and protest.
This left me feeling inadequate, helpless and ungrateful.
I will readily admit that research for this article, and my realising that there are hundreds of Google search results about this topic proved somewhat therapeutic.
I am not the only unworthy daughter out there.
To appease my sentiment of inadequacy, I recently joined a group of expat women for a visit to a local nursing home for dementia patients.
While my mother’s new abode is set apart on a green pasture and separated from the real world, this home was set in the middle of a residential neighbourhood.
While my mother’s residence is a purpose-built structure, this home was a detached house, rearranged to fit the residents’ needs.
While my mother’s care is provided by professionals with impressive degrees, the local care team consisted of, certainly trained and professional, but very casual looking and brightly dressed young men and women, who seemed to have a personal connection with those under their care.
While my mother and her fellow inmates — her words, not mine — have all their physical essential covered, the residents of the local home might have found themselves short of a clean shirt or with a flat on their wheelchair at times, but had their daily dose of love and understanding.
Which is the better option? I don’t know because, on top of the guilt-induced stress of the remote caregiver, I also need to deal with the stress of long distance traveling, jet lag and confusing time zones.
And yet, the guilt remains.
The writer, Fanny Bucheli- Rotter, is a long-term expatriate, a restless traveller, an observer of the human condition, and unapologetically insubordinate. She can be reached via fannybucheli.rotter@gmail.com