IT has been an extremely long day. As I nursed my stifling cold with a cup of hot caramel latte in bed, I cannot help but feel so tired with the fact that I have been in a long distance marriage for close to nine years.
Being in a long distance marriage is challenging. I sometimes feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities I have to shoulder. From doing school runs and ferrying my children to tuition/soccer practice/art classes, to cleaning up the duvet covered with vomit and peeing accidents, car problems and homework, I have to do it all by myself.
I am also the one who has
to figure out how to integrate
my children’s schedule to fit mine. Like an octopus with eight arms, I find myself — as aptly said by sociologists Arlie Russell Hochschild and Anne Machung — doing a “first shift” of paid work, a “second shift” of housework and “third shift” of at home emotion work.
My head spins at times when I have a night event and need to look for a reliable babysitter. Or, when an urgent, last minute meeting crops up in late evenings when they are about to finish school. I would be at the edge of my seat, nervously looking at my watch, afraid that I wouldn’t make it in time.
I especially feel particularly tired during the blessed month of Ramadan. Microsleep, unfortunately, has been my middle name. It may be due to the fact that I cannot have my usual cups of coffee, but most of all, the change in routine affected me tremendously.
My day usually begins at 4am to prepare sahur for my children and only ends around midnight, when the children are fast asleep and most of the house chores are done. Because of this, driving my children around for their classes has become an arduous task, as I am afraid that I will fall asleep behind the wheel.
To be honest, I have had a fair share of people who came up to me and asked how do I manage my (what I hope to be a) flourishing career, children and household chores alone during the weekdays and some weekends when my husband is not back.
My usual answer would be: “I believe God will only test us because He knows we would pass it.”
In actuality, managing the many things on my plate takes a lot of meticulous planning. Every night as I lay in bed, I will thoroughly plan my day in order to manoeuvre around my hectic work schedule and children’s needs. I also think of groceries which needs to be replenished, my children’s behaviour, the articles I have to edit, figure out the ways which can help them achieve good grades (tiger mom alert!), meals I need to cook, how I need a new wardrobe and mentally redecorate my house.
The plans concocted in my head, requires me to know specific details, which often led me to ask questions to my family members, so much so that they found it rather annoying at times. A routine lifestyle gives me a sense of comfort because I know what to expect. But, life goes haywire when my routine is disrupted.
One particular incident I vividly remember was when I had a scheduled PET (positron emission tomography, a nuclear imaging test to check for diseases) scan, which was purposely arranged to be done in the morning, so that I would be in time to fetch my son from school.
When I finished, I wanted to leave the hospital as the time was already 11.30am but I was stopped by the medical assistant because apparently my body has been exposed to a high level of radiation and had to be quarantined.
Then, there was also the time I met with an accident which left my car’s bumper severely damaged. It happened at 6pm, as I was on the way to pick up my son from school. Or, the time when I was really sick and could not get up from bed. Not to mention the suspicious noises I hear at night, like someone was trying to break in.
During these times, I would worry and mull over my fate. But, I also knew that doing so would not solve my problems so I had to quickly think of a solution and despite thinking of how I would be troubling other people, I usually resort to asking for help from my family, good friends and neighbours.
And then, there are days when the children decided not co-operate with me, which frustrates me, to say the least. If this happens, I will take pictures and videos and share it with my husband, hoping that he understands what I have to go through. On these days, you will most probably find me at the nearest drive through, ordering a caramel latte.
It is important to note that despite the long distance, my husband has been very supportive, especially in giving me emotional support. This, I find, is a pivotal factor in keeping a long distance relationship alive
The writer is a lecturer and head of Corporate Communications, Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM)