LETTERS: As the elderly age and their illnesses becomes protracted, like in cases of stroke, Alzheimer's and cancer, the lone caregiver's attitude and outlook can shift from being positive, patient, caring and loving to depressed, short-tempered, resentful and despairing.
This change can creep up on the fatigued caregiver when caregiving stretches from weeks to months to years and there is little relief or respite.
Instead of appreciating and feeling blessed for what the caregiver is doing, the opposite can happen — the relationship between the caregiver and the family member being cared for deteriorates over time. A number of factors contribute to caregiver burnout.
Firstly, the patient may be stubborn, uncooperative, argumentative, aggressive, accusatory, suspicious or wilfully unappreciative.
For example, a sick elderly person teeters when she walks, but stubbornly refuses to use a walking stick or a wheelchair. She also refuses to allow her caregiver daughter to accompany her to the bank for fear she is after her money. She gets angry and upset when the car keys are not given to her. She even tells the caregiver not to control her life!
In another case, an octogenarian blithely remarked to her caregiver, her younger daughter, that she can't wait for her older daughter to return from Indonesia to cook all her favourite dishes and take good care of her.
The younger daughter has been caring for her mother for years, taking her to see the doctor regularly, making sure she takes her medication, cooking for her, taking her to the hairdresser and for holidays, too. But her good deeds all these years seem invisible to her mother.
When dementia sets in, some treat the caregiver like a maid.
Secondly, judgemental relatives can make things worse. They can be quick to criticise the exhausted caregiver of neglect or abuse, but are never available to assist.
Others offer some financial help and think they have done their fair share. Yet others, even children of the patient, don't care to know what's going on or bother to offer a shoulder to cry on.
The stigma of sending the elderly to nursing homes also makes it difficult for caregivers to take a much-needed break. Many sick parents refuse to be sent to nursing homes.
To them, it's shameful, heartbreaking and akin to being abandoned. So they will prick the conscience of the caregiver that this option is unforgivable.
As our society ages, caring for the elderly and the chronically ill will take a toll on caregivers. Regrettably, the burden will mostly fall on the shoulders of womenfolk.
Overall, Malaysians need to seriously invest in our health by leading healthy lifestyles from young by exercising and eating right.
As we approach our golden years, the best gift to our children is our good health. Still, illness sometimes will strike without rhyme or reason, so we need to re-orientate our mind to embrace living in nursing homes free of any stigma.
Hopefully, the government will consider increasing tax incentives or subsidies for private nursing homes that adhere to the government's rules. This is in addition to tax exemptions for taxpayers who send their parents to nursing homes.
This will bring down costs and make nursing homes more affordable for the lower-medium-income group.
With an ageing population, the Employees Provident Fund, Social Security Organisation and similar organisations should consider investing in assisted-living facilities and nursing homes for its members as part of their corporate social responsibility.
DR POLA SINGH
Kuala Lumpur
The views expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect those of the New Straits Times