CLASSIC car owners know that every trip begins with faith in divine provenance but they also carry some basic tools because old cars have a mind of their own and when they are tired, they will want to stop.
Scratching your head by the roadside gives a nice feeling but very rarely solves anything other than provide temporary relief for an itchy scalp and this is when some gaffer tape, screwdriver, spanner, rubber band, some baling wire, clean cloth, sandpaper and a set of contact points can be Godsend.
Therefore, the first basic skill that a classic car owner must have is the ability to identify everything that is under the bonnet. At the very least you must be able to convincingly pretend like you know what’s what under the hood.
If a classic car refuses to start after a lunch stop you must know if the carburettors are receiving the right amount of spark and if the distributor cap is being fed enough fuel or whether you’ve just had too much to drink and is trying to start someone else’s car with your key.
Trying to spark the carburettor will definitely resolve many problems, least of all, the problem of waking up in the morning. That strong smell of fuel will react receptively to those sparks and the conversion from chemical energy to very rapid combustion will definitely make you a posthumous internet sensation.
At the very least it will help you get to know a skin graft specialist.
Feeding fuel to the distributor cap will have exactly the same effect but with slightly less comic effect.
Every classic car owner also knows that restoration is actually code word for rapid depletion of bank balance and it helps if you know some simple restoration skills.
For those of you who find it challenging to differentiate between a spanner and wrench and cannot tell the difference between a Philips head and a cross-head screwdriver, the best bet is to learn the second most valuable skill for a classic car owner, upholstery repair.
Here is your chance to inhale copious amounts of adhesive fume and enjoy countless afternoons in a gentle daze that is not entirely unpleasant. If you take the leap and learn how to stitch together leather or fabric then the opportunity for drawing blood will present itself.
When there is minor blood spillage, there is a slight chance of attracting sympathy, and a 100 per cent chance of playing with the medical kit.
In fact you will achieve very little and the car would have developed a bit more rust than last week but at least you won’t have to worry how much the upholsterer is going to charge you.
Rust is a friend that will refuse to go away so it’s best that you learn some basic bodywork skills such as spraying water dispersants and applying rust converters.
If you fancy yourself as the Van Gogh of automotive painting then there is no harm in learning how to that all important thirds must-have skill of mixing and applying Bondo. Then there is always the opportunity to hurt your back rubbing down filler in preparation for painting.
Trust me when I say that there is no satisfaction like achieving the perfect paint finish after meticulously preparing the bodywork. Seriously, there is no such thing as satisfaction here, because it’s almost guaranteed that you will botch it up and end up sending the car to a professional body shop.
Forthly every classic car owner should learn their car’s wiring diagram, which on some older vehicles consists of two simple circuits with a fuse somewhere.
Identifying and fixing electrical faults is a very useful skill and also an opportunity to indulge in electro-shock treatment, which may get rid of your illogical love of rust buckets.
The fifth and most important skill for owners of classic cars, is the ability to comfortably sign a cheque for whatever amount that the workshop asks for because, let’s face it, most of us think we can fix a broken car but when there’s an actual breakdown in the middle of a rainstorm late at night, the first thing we will do is flag down our friend and call the mechanic.
Obviously this is not true, I’ve just learnt about a Mercedes enthusiast who has, in his spare time, learnt how to repair damaged dashboards and has single-handedly discovered that the best way to replicate the wood pattern on a Mercedes dashboard is by using wet lychee.
I’m trying to convince him to divulge more secrets of dashboard restoration in a future article and so far he has said it is possible that he may consider the possibility of entertaining the chance of me dropping by.
He’s a lawyer.
If a lawyer can learn a real life car repair skills, what’s your excuse?