SOME of the virtues I’ve learnt in caregiving include patience and kindness. I was always in a hurry and impatient when things didn’t go according to plan until my greatest teachers came along — my children, especially my eldest son Omar who was born physically and mentally challenged.
There’s no hurrying such people. You can’t scold them into action and you can’t insult their intelligence because they don’t understand sarcasm. As a reaction to your tone, they’ll go the other way, making your efforts futile and leaving you feeling doubly fatigued and defeated.
They are, however, very responsive to kindness, encouragement and love. However you’d have to be firm or they’d unwittingly twist you around their little fingers. Yes, they are very capable of that. You might think that they don’t know the tricks of getting their way around you just because they’re not “normal”. Believe that, and they’d have you for a sucker.
After more than two decades of this, my conclusion is — they call the shots, not you. You just have to go along with their timing and rhythm. You can plan and guide them. Yet, somehow, they will ultimately learn and do things at their own pace.
Through the years of dealing with my son and other special children, I’ve found that they sense our energy, be it good or bad vibes, more than anything else. It doesn’t really matter what language you speak to them because they can feel what you feel.
They will cower when you’re angry and even go to great lengths to avoid you. But when you’re in a good mood, they will freely run to you and give you a hug. You only need to smile, that’s all the encouragement they need. You can clearly see the look of love shining in their eyes.
Even those children who don’t normally look you in the eye can pick up on your mood. There will be those who seem oblivious to your presence let alone your moods, being so caught up with their own world of internal noise and interference. But if you spend enough time with them, you’ll find them giving you quick sidelong glances to assess the situation around them.
Sometimes they look to see how far they can push their boundaries with you. Omar is one such person. There have been many such instances with Omar where I had to remain calm and not lose my cool in the midst of therapy. These would be moments when Omar refused to cooperate.
There I’d be looking at the ticking clock and mentally counting the fees that must be paid for a non-event session, while my son would be totally bent on being uncooperative. I’d be gritting my teeth and Omar would calmly refuse to be touched. He’d either stiffen up like a board or slump like deadweight. Either way, he’d refuse to be coaxed into doing anything.
There were days when he would actually fall asleep and even snore! I’d never know if the snoring was for real or for effect because he’ll wake up happy with bright eyes the moment we announce that the session is over and we can go home!
On days like these, the therapist and I will be in on his game and we’ll work our way around him. We know a few tricks too! Win some, lose some. We always work hard to be ahead of him because, for him, everything is a game.
When he was younger and smaller, I could “manhandle” and coax him into working with his therapists. If he protested or refused to cooperate, I’d easily carry him off from the floor to the wheelchair. When he was smaller, it was also easier to hug him to calm him down.
Omar is now an adult and “manhandling” is not an option unless it’s in the true sense of the word — with four other strong adults on hand to manage him. This is rare, but it has happened before. When Omar flies into his fits of temper, he is like a raging storm. You’d have to be near enough just in case he hurt himself, but far enough so he doesn’t hurt you.
Even then, I have to remain unflustered to be able to talk him into calming down — the voice, the tone and the body language. They all have to be in sync so that the vibes I give out are consistent. I have to remain seemingly unaffected by the drama so that I can reach out to him. He must be able to reach out to someone he trusts.
One thing’s for sure: there are no guarantees of what the day may bring. You can only predict so much but most of the time you just have to be watchful for things that are out of the ordinary. You just have to mind your body language — be alert but stay calm.
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