THE expression ”Manners maketh man” has got me thinking about how it should also be a motto. But what does it mean?
Well, it basically means that we should all have manners and etiquette. While there are slight differences between the two words, it essentially boils down to the notion that we should be polite and kind to each other.
There seems to be a dearth of good manners in today’s society. We really need to be mindful of what we say and do. All this has to start from the home. The school and teachers can only do so much after all.
We are taught to be respectful towards the deceased, for example, in how we speak of the dead, and how we care for them in preparation for their funeral. You’re required to have the gentlest of touches during the ritual cleansing. You’re never to expose the bare body during washing, using a cloth to cover it and tenderly clean, protecting modesty and dignity even in death.
This is the utmost and final respect you can show to loved ones as they pass from this world to the next. If such tenderness and respect are to be accorded to the deceased, how about showing some of it to those who are still alive too?
The sick and weak have feelings too. It’s all too easy to ignore people who can’t talk or express themselves well. It’s also quite easy to talk about them in the third person in their presence as though they’re not there just because you think they’re not aware of what’s going on.
Imagine someone in a coma, or perhaps with dementia who can’t remember that you are his/her child anymore? Does it make it alright to do so? He/She may not remember who you are, but you certainly know who he/she is. Is it too much to ask to just step out of hearing range if you need to discuss the patient?
How about those who treat their parents like a child if they have reverted to childlike behaviour, or criticise them for being old and forgetful? There are moments when they are lucid and able to feel hurt from being treated in such a manner.
One woman with Alzheimer’s once told me of how hurt she gets whenever her son verbally abuses her because she can’t remember much and tends to ask the same questions over and over again.
She also confided that sometimes being forgetful is a blessing because the hurt stops when she can’t remember.
KEEPING YOUR COOL
When you have challenging loved ones in your care, it’s easy to lose your cool and become emotional and physically or verbally abusive.
After all, you’re tired of having to deal with repetitive situations daily. It’s like being caught in a time warp where you relive the same day over and over again. You wonder if, like the movie Groundhog Day, that you’ll ever get it right and break the cycle.
So when you feel the heat of anger building up, detach yourself from that situation immediately! Step out of the room and cool down. Get help!
Another situation that can be challenging is when you have to be your parent’s nurse. My friend told me that when she had to change her bedridden father’s diapers, she would gently speak to him and ask forpermission to clean him up.
It was, at first, very difficult for them, especially for a daughter to clean up after her father. He also felt extremely embarrassed and vulnerable for being so weak that he couldn’t even take care of his own hygiene.
He would close his eyes every time his diaper needed to be changed. When he was in the hospital, the nurses would care for him. He was still awkward about it.
Staying cool and keeping your composure are very important. Feelings of awkwardness can be contagious. If you’re awkward, the one in your care will respond to it and things can get uncomfortable. Staying slightly detached while being courteous and respectful helps to smooth out the rough edges.
Having manners helps too. And it’s not just about saying “please” and “thank you” — it’s meaning it. This is the foundation of good manners. Respect is the other component. Treating patients with dignity makes them feel human.
Many elderly folk with illness and children with physical and mental abilities have a certain smell associated with drooling saliva and other bodily fluids and excretions. Keeping them clean and fresh is important and not just for hygienic reasons. This is usually easier said than done, but we have to keep trying.
Why? It makes it easier to administer the medicine that no pharmacy can manufacture — hugs and the power of touch. Like laughter, sometimes a gentle pat or hug is the best medicine.
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Children Society of Ampang. You can reach her at juneitajohari@yahoo.com