With men commonly regarded as the less communicative sex, how does this affect the father-son relationship, asks Stuart Danker
IT was the second time we were spending Father’s Day in hospital. Mother was sick, and dad was determined to stay by her side. He was stuck between taking care of mum and being a source of strength for my sister and I. As we lunched in the hospital, I wished dad Happy Father’s Day.
He smiled, and I asked him if he was tired. He said no and asked me to go home and get some rest, and that he would take care of everything. The conversation did not exceed two-worded sentences with the occasional grunt thrown in. How did it get to this? I remember jumping in joy when dad used to come home from work, and I’d tell him everything that happened that day. Do all father-son relationships evolve as they age or is it just a myth?
A SON’S PERCEPTIONS CHANGES
Throughout a son’s childhood, the father inevitably becomes the superhero. It’s the tinder to playground arguments, always sparking “my dad is stronger than your dad” squabbles. A father also plays the role of a magician, seemingly able to create things out of thin air such as building a tree house, fixing wheels on bikes, or setting up his son’s first video-game console. Through the son’s eyes, his father is nothing short of a sorcerer.
The impression it leaves on sons can carry on through adulthood. Quality assurance manager Jackie Underwood says: “For the longest time I can remember, my father has always been a mentor in my life. When I was young, he shed light on being responsible and knowing right from wrong. He is the smartest man in my life, and he’s the only person in the world that I can call my role model.”
Then hormones take over and the son finds himself entering puberty. What’s happening to him? Why don’t girls have cooties anymore? How should I ask a girl to the prom? Again, dad is always there to show the way. But when the son grows into a man, and finds his own identity in the world, things may take a stoic turn.
Micheal Diamond, author of My Father Before Me, articulates this journey between stages fairly well. “The father-son bond unavoidably changes radically during adolescence. During a boy’s adolescence, his feelings about his father become more volatile and unpredictable. Teenage boys look up to their fathers, often idealise them, as they search for models to guide them through their identity confusion.
“By middle adolescence, boys often become much more critical of their fathers, paving the way for yet another change in late adolescence, when they tend to not only distance themselves from their dads but devalue parental authority.”
SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS
Due to gender stereotypes, the father-son relationship carries the additional strain of fathers wanting to raise their sons to be the stereotypical man. This means that social expectations propagating this ideal male image may seep in through either end of the relationship, and even if the father does not build himself an emotional wall, the son might very well do it on his own.
Focus On The Family Malaysia states on its website: “There is a tendency among some fathers to downplay the importance of emotion, tenderness, and understanding in their interactions with their sons. We’d suggest, however, that this approach can be dangerous and potentially damaging.”
Its executive director, Lee Wee Min further elaborates: “One of the common issues relating to the father and son relationship is the issue of abdication. This is where fathers do not play their role and just think that their main role is to provide financial resources but not emotional, moral and social support. Children spell love as “T-I-M-E” especially during their pre-adolescent years. They want time to be with their fathers, or else their influence would be the media and peers.”
But there are some that break the lack-of-expression stereotype.
Lim Lee Ern and Lim Tong Hooi openly communicate their feelings with each other. “My relationship with dad is one of a kind,” says Lee Ern. “We talk about everything, he’s my best friend. We talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, and I think that’s why we don’t have many conflicts.”
Tong Hooi, says that this bond developed when Lee Ern was nine. “Because my eldest daughter and son were outstation and my wife overseas, Lee Ern and I naturally built this special bond, which is called lau yu (old friend) in Chinese.”
LOSING FATHER
But things are not always as they seem. The reality of life is that there always exists the possibility of loss, and many sons lose their fathers way too soon in life. One of the downsides of this is that the future ability of the child to handle stress will be significantly diminished.
Melanie Matters, a psychology professor of the California State University-Fullerton, did a study on nearly a thousand participants, asking them to share their childhood experience with their parents prior to getting the participants to relate their daily levels of stress. The results showed that men who had good relationships with their fathers responded better to stressful events compared to those who had poor relationships.
Another study conducted by Mary Shenk, assistant professor of anthropology at the University of Missouri, showed significant effects on children who lost their fathers before 25, though the age group that took it the hardest was the 11 to 15-year-old range.
Shenk also saw a lower education achievement and smaller income in sons who lost their fathers, but respondents Ng Wen Hsing and Kamarul Omar — both past their third decade of life — go against the grain of this study by having a sound education and successful careers, as well as being happily married.
“I was very young when I lost my father, but I do have memories of him. He brought me to the Royal Malaysian Air Force camp and showed me the planes. This is my most vivid memory of him,” says Kamarul.
“He was killed in the line of duty during a rescue mission, and every son wishes to be like his dad, but I don’t see myself stepping in his shoes as he set the bar pretty high,” he adds.
Ng adds a different perspective. “I’m not sure that I can model myself after my father because I have very few memories of him. Growing up as the only male in the family, I do wonder sometimes how the male dynamics in a family work, and I wonder what type of father I’ll be when I have a son.”
But the question remains: Would Ng and Kamarul have grown up differently if their fathers had been around during their formative years?
Kamarul admits he has asked himself the same question. “I definitely agree that life would have been different with dad around, but the events that happened in my life made me appreciate family more, namely mum and my other father figures such as my uncles and late grandfather.
“Although there’s a missing piece of the puzzle, my life has been wonderful, and hats off to mum who single-handedly raised the three of us. She never re-married too. That’s how great my father was,” he says.
Ng agrees with this, stating that the beauty of life depends on the perspective one takes. He says that while he’s happy with his current situation, he wishes he had his father’s knowledge and wisdom in certain situations. He credits his mum for not only for being a great mother, but also taking up the challenge of the father’s role as well.
WHAT FATHERS SAY
Fathers were asked to share their thoughts on this dynamic, and if they played a unique role beside their wives. Being sons themselves, fathers carry a generation’s worth of experience into fatherhood.
“Get as much sleep as you can!” Zakri Zakaria says when asked about his thoughts on fatherhood. “On a more serious note though, fatherhood is one of the most wonderful phases of my life, and it’s great having my son carry on the family name.”
Jackie’s dad, James Underwood, says that when he became a father, he vowed he would be more expressive. This was due to the fact that James’ father was a man of few words, and seldom showed his feelings. This drove James to connect with his sons more. Being at risk of contributing to the stereotype, communicating is harder for most men.
Do they have any advice for the new generation of fathers? Zakri’s, James’ and Tong Hooi’s answers were unanimous: “Spend more time with your children.”
In a country with such diverse cultures and backgrounds, it would be unfair to pigeon-hole every relationship into a category — expressive, reserved, strict, friendly. My relationship with my father is fairly reserved, not because of the absence of love but because we don’t enjoy the act of talking in general.
But as I see him constantly putting himself on the line for the well-being of his family, never once asking for anything in return, I just want to take this opportunity to remind him that he’s the best dad a son could ever wish for. Happy Father’s Day!
FATHER-SON SPORTS FIGURES
WITH the World Cup in full swing, we take a look at father-son duos who have built their bond through sports.
DATUK SIDEK ABDULLAH KAMAR AND THE SIDEK BROTHERS
Often remembered as a badminton coach, few know of Sidek’s accomplishments in the ring unless they come from that era. Winning many championships at the district level, Sidek would go on to coach his sons to become badminton stars.
HARRY AND JAMIE REDKNAPP
The Redknapps are known names in English football. While father Harry Redknapp would go on to become a football manager, Jamie would win seven honours playing for Liverpool.
PETER AND KASPER SCHMEICHEL
Another father-son football team, the duo even had the same position in the sport — as goalkeepers. Peter was a household name when playing for Manchester United in the early 1990s. His son Kasper looks set to step into his father’s shoes.
JOE AND KOBE BRYANT
Basketball fans unite. Joe has played for the Philadelphia 76ers, San Diego Clippers, and Houston Rockets. His son Kobe needs no introduction, being a superstar for the LA Lakers.