AS I write I feel my anger dissolving. I was angry a moment ago. I was very angry. To calm down, I got on my exercise bike and cycled up a sweat.
I feel angry when people desecrate what’s important to me, disrespect my loved ones, my time and space. Rubbish my values and risk unleashing my temper. I get angry when people refuse to take responsibility for their actions, choosing to play the victim. A victim’s modus operandi is to blame others, and make excuses. Like they don’t have a brain. Like they are completely senseless.
Today I choose to feel angry, instead of feigning apathy or indifference. It’s my anger after all. Mine. I choose to feel and express my anger instead of denying or suppressing it with pseudo - forgiveness or false positivity. I don’t need to justify it. I don’t care if people like it. My anger is about me. I have needs too - perfectly healthy needs.
Is anger the enemy? Some people choose to discourage, shame and shun it - in themselves and others. They despise anger. They feel guilty about their anger. For them anger means weakness. They judge anger - it’s right/wrong. Bad. Evil. Others distract and detach whenever possible. They fear anger.
Power is in self-management. Expressing anger doesn’t make us angry people. Expressing your sensuality doesn’t mean you’re a pervert. A few wise comments do not a genius make.
What if we faced our emotions head on? What if we gave ourselves permission to fully feel? And created a culture that is focused on authenticity and healthy self-expression rather than masking our truths? Pretending the pain isn’t there - what good would that do? Aren’t relationships built on connectedness and compassion, trust and confidence?
“Keep it light and cheerful. Don’t get down and dirty.” I know we often want it easy but that’s just not where most of humanity is. Many of us are overwhelmed with anxiety, lingering sadness and unexpressed anger. If we continue to push it all down, we’d just be delaying our collective healing. Healing happens through acceptance, not denial.
Take Xanax for stress. Dull the symptom but what about treating the cause?
It can be so subtle, can’t it? The way we avoid what’s real. The way we silence, shame and bypass our truths. I’m so tired of these executions, aren’t you? Dying little deaths of self-diminishment.
Among the more important lessons I’ve learnt is not to be connected with those who diminish me. So why do it to myself?
Everyday I catch myself using positivity and perfection to cover up and avoid the chaotic, complicated, and confusing territory that might bring discomfort or confrontation. What am I really avoiding? Underneath it all, what do I fear most?
What does it mean that we can only accept what’s comfortable but cannot handle what’s real or uncomfortable? How can we show up only for the nice parts of life and deny that there are other sides - the mucky, murky, the mad?
Why are we so afraid to be seen and known? (Yes, it’s about fear). Perhaps our need to belong, to be accepted and acknowledged as part of the tribe is so strong that we are willing to hide our vulnerability.
Who wants to back a loser after all? We associate strength with non-surrender, assertiveness and driving behaviour. What if the demonstration of willful mental strategy is misread as power. I actually think this comes from scarcity - competing, comparing, needing to be popular and proving one’s worth in the eyes of others. And yes, this is the benchmark used by mainstream or conventional society. Obvious examples are army generals and captains of industry.
So foolishly as it may seem, here I am daring to take the road less travelled. Here I am poised to spread unconventional wisdom. It’s my belief that real power is the courage to keep your heart open, the strength to feel your deepest emotions even when everything looks bleak.
Real power is absolutely refusing to waste one moment of your life behind smoke and mirrors. No games, no armour. Undefended and comfortable in your own skin - that’s what I consider real power. Freedom is when there is nothing left to hide, says Dr Susan Campbell, author of Getting Real.
I expect that my views could spark great disagreement and debate as it usually does when discussing any form of deep emotion. That’s okay. As for me, I completely acknowledge and accept my choice of emotions - any one and all of them. I completely acknowledge and accept myself - fully and unconditionally.
A matter of perceptions
I teach people how to treat me, my boss said. I don’t think so. I don’t have much control over other people’s behaviour. I get upset sometimes.
What I notice is people have a pattern how they behave and it goes by attitude. Please give me your opinion.
When we think of people with respect, we give them time and we listen to them. When we “place” people as authorities - Dr, engineer, Professor - we tend to show them more respect than if they were less schooled. When we peg someone “lesser than,” the quality of our attention towards them drops, doesn’t it? We tend to discount and dismiss them casually. Think how we treat children.
Do you find this to be true? I guess that’s why labels are so important for some people. If I think of someone as being better than me, I’d be nervous or intimidated because I’d constantly be comparing myself to them (not any more).
So it does appear that our thoughts about others are more about us. We package people in categories all the time. We pre-judge, we assume, we interpret - when in reality we barely know the facts.
I know for sure that our behaviour towards others is our responsibility’ not theirs. When your boss says you teach people how to treat you, I think he means how you respond to people will teach them whether they can continue to draw conclusions about you or want to correct their assumptions. Here’s where you decide whether to cave in or stand up and be firm.
Here’s where you set boundaries. What are your red flags? Here’s where you get to say, “Stop. Enough is enough”.