WALKING along the road towards my favourite coffee shop I was struck, as I always am, by the complexity of the society in which I live. On the corner is an Italian cake shop quite famous for its biscotti and cannoli, and around the corner, my favourite Egyptian coffee house famed for its falafel, baklava and good coffee.
I regularly go to the Egyptian coffee shop in the morning and drink an espresso and enjoy a sumptuous baklava.
In the shop we discuss all manner of topics from the all-important issue of how to make a good espresso to the troubling and disturbing issues surrounding contemporary politics in the Middle East.
What strikes me about my interactions as I drink my espresso is that they in no way correspond to the ramped up stereotype of multicultural conflict and dissonance that one is exposed to in the media.
Instead, my interactions always begin with a “good morning” or a “you are late today” and on occasion if I appear downcast a “is everything ok?”
The relationships I have in my favourite coffee shop have been developed over a decade. If I run low on change, it’s no problem. If the coffee is perhaps not as strong as it ought to be, another is quickly offered.
On occasion, some extra falafels are offered on the house, since everyone knows I love falafel and hummus.
What is it that occurs in the coffee shop that is so conducive to the inculcation of good relations and mutual care and concern?
The first thing that strikes me is the extent to which my interactions with people from different backgrounds are based on day-to-day relationships and everyday engagements, not on abstract or distant interactions that one experiences in an Internet or media dominated environment.
The coffee shop is a kind of institution; its implicit rules and the expected manners frame and inform the boundaries of our interactions.
This is similar to what we find in our schools which we more readily recognise as institutions. The interactions for the most part happen in real time and in face-to-face encounters.
We more consciously recognise the importance of schools developing habits of civility and good manners, but if these practices are to survive and prosper in society, they must occur across the spectrum of our institutional lives.
So back to my local coffee shop! The process of practising day-to-day manners and civility in the coffee shop has been institutionalised as the norm despite the diverse backgrounds and points of views of everyone who works and goes there.
The coffee shop simply could not function nor could it do business without this positive institutionalisation of manners and proper etiquette.
We are polite, we say “please” and “thank you”, we laugh at each other’s jokes and we build a sense of care, rapport and concern about each other through the habit-forming practices of day-to-day manners in an institutional setting. We cannot just delete people nor can we “flame” them or abuse them without real and present consequence in such a setting.
What I have noticed among those who seem swept up in the anger, noise and constant conflict of modern society is that they seem increasingly to lack the basic mores and manners which are developed in institutional life.
The manner in which we are moulded and influenced by everyday interactions and expectations that frame our lives in specific institutional contexts are an important part of the way in which we develop positive habits and manners in our life.
In the coffee shop, I cannot just self-select who comes and goes. I cannot delete the customers I don’t get along with and simply socialise with those I like or find attractive. Norms of civility and manners are not something I can dispense with or something that I can ignore because I can simply — with the flick of a switch — “move on”.
When we look at the problems of immoderate behaviour, rudeness and extremism, I often wonder to what extent these things stem from a lack of having to learn civility in institutional life where compromise, manners and concern for others are not simply one choice of behaviour among others.
In my favourite coffee shop, good manners and care are not an option on some kind of smorgasbord of choice for how I ought to act.
Care and manners are fundamental and necessary parts of the experience of ordering and drinking coffee, eating baklava and discussing problems and topics that make up contemporary life in the coffee shop. I don’t sit there choosing to be polite or civil one day and rude the next. I am polite and civil because through habit, this is the norm.
Ensuring that over the long run our good manners and civility become habitual is a critical characteristic of any successfully functioning institution, be it a coffee shop or a school.
We need to work towards making this civility the norm in all of our institutions. The habit of civility in my local coffee shop is so normal for me that I don’t even think about it except when I have time to reflect and write about it for you.