Overparenting is counter-productive and detrimental to children, writes Nadia Badarudin
IT is 4.45am on a Monday morning. Nini Nazri, a 28-year-old mother of two, is busy preparing lunch for her daughter, who is in Standard Three. Today, the bento-style menu is inspired by her child’s favourite character, Minions. And as usual, the food is gluten-free and picture perfect for her Instagram and blog.
Lisa Rahman, 38, is meeting her son’s teacher to discuss his slipping grades. Her 10-year-old has been a straight-A student since Standard One. Lisa and her husband are very strict in raising their three children (aged between 10 and 14). They impose high standards when it comes to education and being inconsistent in studies is unacceptable, and punishable, which means no new gadgets for that month.
The routine and practices of Nini and Lisa, who are both working full-time,are typical of modern parents, especially mothers who feel obliged to pave a straight line to success for their offspring by being more involved and actively orchestrating their lives at every turn.
Children are given more options, in line with the parents’ aspirations to give them the best possible advantage.
Rather than choosing between congkak or playing football in the field, children now have to pick between capoeira or wakeboarding and juggle studies with extra lessons or self-improvement activities.
Studies show that a parent’s active involvement can increase the child’s confidence and chances of becoming a successful adult. But, is being overly involved in the child’s life and offering excessive hand-holding normal?
How do parents know whether they have crossed the line between spoiling and nurturing when it comes to parenting?
OVERPARENTING STYLE
If you are a parent and you do any of these: Praise your child profusely, offer too many rewards, try to prevent him from making mistakes, carry his backpack, do his homework or argue with his teacher about his grades, then you are guilty of overparenting.
In the article 5 Signs of Overparenting published on HowStuffWorks.com, writer Cristen Conger says overparenting, also known as “tiger” or “snowplough” parenting, is a combination of excessive anxiety, unrealistic achievement goals and old-fashioned spoiling.
The trend of overparenting or strict parenting by the multi-tasker “ultramum”, “tiger mum” or “helicopter parent” actually took off in the 1990s.
According to psychology website Psych Central, the term helicopter parenting was coined in 1969 by psychotherapist and parent educator Dr Haim Ginott in his book Between Parent And Teenager. A helicopter parent is defined as someone who is overprotective or overly interested in their child’s life.
Nini and Lisa, however, do not think they come under that category. In her defence, Nini says what she does is normal among her circle of friends and followers of her Instagram and blog.
“I don’t see any harm spending more time and effort for my children, like preparing a fancy bento-style lunch.
“I share my parenting experience and tips on social media. Keeping up with what other parents are doing gives me ideas on how to raise my children too,” she says.
Lisa says her children have personal tutors and are enrolled in various lessons, from music to capoeira, just to get them ahead in life.
“I don’t think my husband and I are overparenting. We just want to give them the best and see them succeed in life.
“Getting them ahead from young is good in this world where paper qualifications matter most. Most of our colleagues are just like us in raising their kids,” says Lisa, who takes long leave every time her children sit for major examinations to help with“last-minute coaching”.
PARENTING STYLES
Professor Dr Philip George, a consultant psychiatrist from International Medical University, says the strict or over-involved parenting style is similar to one of the four parenting styles described in psychology.
“Tiger parenting or helicopter parenting is similar to the authoritative style where parents decide on everything and are always in control,” he says.
“The problem begins when parents treat a child like a report card to measure their own success in parenting,”
“Despite the heightened involvement or concern, parents are actually doing more harm than good to their kids and to their own health too,” he adds.
He says parenting style is shaped by the parents’ upbringing and other factors including own socio-cultural, technological advancement and the pressure to meet the requirements of hyper-achievement schools or higher learning institutions.
Technology, for instance, enables parents to monitor their children right from conception (i.e. 3D images in the womb) to comparing notes with other parents on Instagram or Facebook.
“Parents develop ideas to raise their children based on the way they were brought up, how they perceive success and what they notice their peers or other parents are doing, as observed on the Internet.
“These factors result in parents having an unconscious wish for their children to achieve what they may not have achieved,”
“In most cases, these factors cause parents to overestimate their children’s achievements. They fail to realise that they’re matching unrealistic expectations with their children’s real capabilities,” he explains.
RUINING KIDS AND PARENTS
A 2010-2014 study involving 263 children by Associate Professor Ryan Hong from the National University of Singapore (published in the Journal of Personality) points out that children with intrusive parents have less confidence and are more critical about themselves, says Dr Philip.
“Such personality traits can lead to depression and anxiety. Although there’s no similar study in Malaysia, the findings of the recent National Health and Morbidity Survey are quite worrying.
“It shows almost 20 per cent of children aged between five and 15 have mental health problems including depression, anxiety and behavioural issues. And that could be linked to the way parents raise their kids,” he says.
Parents are also putting their health at risk as overparenting forces them to deal with high expectations.
“Disappointments or falling short of expectations can lead to stress and can affect the relationship between spouses and the bond between parents and children,” he adds.
OVERQUALIFIED YET UNDER-EQUIPPED
The Telegraph reported in 2015 that Julie Lythcott-Haims, an American academic and author of How to Raise An Adult says a parent’s increased involvement will make the child less able to be independent.
After a decade serving as Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University, Lythcott-Haims noticed the rise of a new breed of students (likely the first cohort of the over-parented children trend which took off in the 1990s) who were “academically overqualified’ but ‘under-equipped to deal with the day-to-day practicalities”.
She observed that they still had their helicopter parents hovering close during the transition to college life, including choosing courses for them.
The Telegraph also highlighted a similar trend in Britain, citing a recent survey where 50 per cent of youngsters take their parents along to open days to help them choose courses and accommodation. This is a scenario is common in here too.
TONE IT DOWN
Dr Philip says a sudden change in a child’s behaviour is the best cue for parents to know whether their parenting style works. Rather than talk about how he feels, a child usually expresses his emotion through behaviours such as becoming quieter, not socialising, playing rough or eating more. Some teenagers inflict injuries on themselves when they are under stress.
“Parents should take heed of these changes because it may be linked to their parenting style.
“And if parents themselves start to feel stressed in dealing with their own expectations, then it’s a sign to tone it down.
“It’s time to do a reality check. Nobody is asking you to be an Ultra Mum or Super Dad,” he says.
Parents need to know that the most pivotal thing in parenting is unconditional love and affection.
“It’s okay to set goals or a high standard, but what’s more important is to be realistic and match that with your child’s abilities.
“If your child makes mistakes, criticise the behaviour, not the child. If your child doesn’t meet a goal, don’t punish him.
“Mistakes and life blunders enable a child to learn and grow. Let the child know that doing the best he can is more important than being the best,” he says.
TAKE IT EASY, PARENTS
Research shows that being a Super Mum is Super Sad. If you are guilty of overparenting, here are some tips for you to take it easy:
1. Allow mistakes
Research shows children should not be forced to behave well. They need to misbehave or disobey so they can learn.
2. Empathy
Replace angry reactions with empathetic teaching to allow your child to truly listen to you.
3. Age-appropriate
Make sure the task given to your child is age-appropriate. At each stage of life, check whether your child is on track to accomplish basic skills. When he faces a problem, ask questions on how he wants to solve it.
4. Stop empty praises
Unsubstantiated appraisals make children feel the pressure to be the best all the time. Replace empty praises with love and affection as well as skills to help them be competent.
5. Independent
Stop doing things that the child can do himself. A key life skill that a child must develop is the ability to grow and live without parents.
6. Me time
Do not live in the service of your children. Make time to be the best version of yourself through work, hobbies and relationships. Research shows children feel more secure to learn from parents without feeling the need to fill the void that their parents have in their own lives.
Sources: Adapted from Popsugar, CNN, Psych Central, The Telegraph, The Daily Telegraph and Psychology Today.