WHEN I try to blow out the candles of my 94th birthday cake years from now, I will inadvertently commit an epic fail and spit out my dentures, pee a little from exhaling heavily, and set my grey eyebrows on fire.
After the smoke clears, I’ll see that all 94 candles are still brightly-lit, and I will grumpily ask everyone present who the hell “Jafwan” is, and why his name is on the cake. On which my dentures have landed.
At the rate my mind and body are degenerating, this is a wishful, best-case scenario.
There will be no such feeble, geriatric nonsense when Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad celebrates HIS 94th birthday on Wednesday, July 10. No “apanamaaa…” moments.
As fit as a Powerpuff Girl, as alert as someone passing a kidney stone, and as stamina-filled as the Star Wars franchise, our two-time Prime Minister will mark the big “9-4” with his trademark struck-by-lightning vigour. If a bash is held to observe the occasion, he will be the last to call it a night. He may even do the washing up. I foresee his 300th birthday playing out in much the same way.
What kind of sorcery is this?
Dr Mahathir’s dubious mortality is underscored by the fact that he marks not one, but TWO birth anniversaries annually. Tun was born on July 10th, 1925, but his “official” birthday is Dec 20th – I believe, the day on which his (virgin?) birth was registered. I am told that double birthdays were common in “the olden days”, but no one knows exactly why (those who did have, with the exception of Dr Mahathir, kicked the bucket).
Tun is the oldest sitting head of government in the world – an impressive distinction, unless his accomplishment was simply a means to crack the Guinness Book of World Records and secure an entry next to the Man With the Longest Toenails. The oldest living FORMER head of state, by the way, is Japan’s Yasuhiro Nakasone, who has still “got it going on” at 101. But it’s going to be a short, casual stroll for Dr Mahathir to grab THAT title, Yasuhiro-san.
To put Tun’s age into perspective, he was born in the Triassic Period before the onset of the Great Depression in 1929, the discovery of penicillin in 1928, and the invention of television in 1927 (how’d the dude survive without TV, yo?). Yet here he is with us now, a fixture of the year 2019 and a contemporary of luminaries like Billy Eilish, Lil Nas X and Post Malone (maybe he SHOULD have gotten off the train earlier).
Tun himself – for good and ill – gave birth to Proton, Putrajaya, the Petronas Twin Towers and the art of pulverising opponents using a toxic tongue and a withering glance. (My colleagues assure me that Dr Mahathir’s Mahathirisms are as potent as ever, as, during press conferences, his stinging remarks are invariably followed by reporters’ exclamations of: “Say what?” or, “Oh no he DI-INT!” or, “Ooh, burn!”)
Tun became Prime Minister for the first time shortly after I was born – and now that I’m in my doddering dotage, he is Prime Minister again (still?), seemingly unchanged. He is over half a century older than I am, and yet I’M the one crippled by senescent physical ailments and hobbled by early-stage dementia (which explains this article).
He is a head of state – I’m out of my head and in a terrible state.
Dr Mahathir’s creepy agelessness has been endlessly speculated about, but I think I’ve cracked his secret.
Throughout his long and still-running spell in the international spotlight, few have ever pronounced his given name correctly. Among Westerners, he is referred to as “Maha-TEAR” – as if alluding to all the tears he’s made them shed.
Malaysians, meanwhile, have settled on “Maha-DAY” – as if implying that Dr Mahathir OWNS every day, that he always seizes the day. I wonder what fractured, mutilated variations of “Mahathir” pass the lips of people elsewhere in the world.
So it’s as if none of us has ever properly pinned his true identity down, and that’s allowed Dr Mahathir to have a loose, superficial relationship with time and gravity. The real Tun is elusive – even to the laws of physics… Well THAT escalated quickly – from mere drivel to babbling lunacy!
OK, I’ll pull the plug on this now. My point is, however you refer to him, Tun is not someone you can ignore (some have tried for almost a century). And to paraphrase Elton John: “His candle will burn out long before his legend ever will.” (Other people quote Nietzsche and Kant; I happily parrot the (other) Queen of England).
Happy 94th birthday, Dr Mahathir. Here’s to another 94 years.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of the New Straits Times