A child who is able to face challenges and adapt to any situation is well prepared for the future writes Meera Murugesan
I HAVE often been accused of mollycoddling my six year old daughter.
I admit, I do tend to jump in and fix her problems and generally, am very cautious about allowing her to try something new, although she desperately wants to show me she can do it.
My excuse is that she’s my only child and I tend to be overly careful where she’s concerned.
But I am aware that my parenting style may not build resilience in her, something she’s going to need as she grows up and has to figure out the world around her on her own.
Resilience is basically the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy or any other significant sources of stress and it is a key component of emotional intelligence in both children and adults.
Not many young children today are able to manage the everyday bumps in the road of life since they are fragile and easily affected by stress and pressure from their surroundings says Datuk Dr Zulkifli Ismail, consultant paediatrician and paediatric cardiologist and chairman of the Positive Parenting management committee.
As a result, it is crucial to equip children with the necessary skills to face challenges and to nurture resilience in them.
YOUNG AND STRESSED
Dr Zulkifli adds that the prevalence of socio-emotional problems among Malaysian children, especially diagnosable mental health problems is reaching an alarming level, with many reported cases of suicide, depression, self-harm and anxiety.
In 2017, based on the National Health and Morbidity survey, it was revealed that among adolescents aged 13-17, 18.3 per cent had depression and 39.7 per cent suffered anxiety.
“This means that two out of five teenagers in Malaysia suffers from anxiety and one out of five is depressed. This is a grim reminder that much needs to be done to address the issue,” says Dr Zulkifli.
Research from the United States has shown that the main issues children face is fitting in with peers, meeting family expectations and performing well in school and it’s not very much different here in Malaysia says Dr Rajini Sarvananthan, consultant developmental paediatrician.
Resilience has to be nurtured from young she explains and a child should have both physical and emotional resilience.
“Unfortunately, today, we live in a world where we don’t give children the space to develop naturally, at their own pace. We want to provide them with shortcuts, but by doing that, we are denying them the opportunity to be competent and develop their own skills,” she adds.
It is normal for parents to want to protect their children or do things for them says Alexius Cheang, a behavioural psychologist.
Their intention comes from a good place but being over protective or over controlling will not build resilience in the child.
Doing something on their own and experiencing failure is also a way for children to learn a life lesson but if parents always jump in to help, they are taking away this valuable learning experience from the child.
“Each time you fail, you learn how not to do something,” says Cheang.
He stresses that what parents can do is to be there for their children as they try something new, but don’t be so quick to act. Let the child try on his own and come to the parent for advice or guidance should he need it.
“But what we see is parents jumping in all the time. At concerts or recitals or sports events, they are the ones urging the child to sing louder or move faster from the sidelines. We think our child’s success is our success but his growth and progression is our success too.”
And ultimately, our goal as parents should be to give our children the skills and abilities they need to make the best decisions on their own, with or without us around.
DON’T COMPARE
Another common mistake many parents make is to indulge in comparisons and given our Asian setting, these comparisons often focus on academic achievements.
When parents focus only on grades, children learn that they are valued only because of the grades they get says associate professor Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon, a clinical psychologist.
“But what about their talents and potential in other areas? We tend to focus on academics because it’s the most common and easiest thing to do.”
There is so much pressure on children nowadays and if they do something wrong, it’s like the end of the world and guilt and shame are very big factors for children becoming anxious and depressed he adds.
Cheang agrees. He explains that rather than comparing the child with other children, parents should look for progression in the child.
“In other words, compare your child to your child,” says Cheang.
Let the child learn how to improve gradually, break down the intended goal into smaller, more manageable steps instead of pushing the “goal post” so far that the child can’t even imagine reaching it.
“If your child is a C student for example, teach him to aspire for a B first and put in the work required for that so he learns how to improve gradually. Even if ultimately, he never makes it to an A, he would have learnt so much in the process of trying to get there.”
Cheang adds that to build resilience, one must cultivate a growth mindset in a child.
A growth mindset means the child believes that no matter where he is right now, he can change and grow and hard work will get him there.
This is in contrast to a fixed mindset where the child believes that he will always remain where he is and cannot change anything.
Cheang explains that in order to develop resilience, we must believe that we can change the outcome or that we can actually do something along the way to improve our situation and ourselves.
“If you don’t believe that you can change something, then you will give up. Unfortunately, in Asian parenting, children are expected to get it right the first time they try something or they mustn’t do it at all.”
Parents should focus on the journey the child undergoes and not just the goal and more importantly, help put things into perspective for the child when he experiences failure.
Cheang says often, both children and even adults are so focused on attaining one particular goal or following one pathway in life that when they fail, they are shattered.
We tend to become overly fixated on one aspect of life and we base the rest of our life on those one or two endeavours.
Cheang stresses that what’s important is that parents remind their child that he or she is so much more than that.
When the child is facing failure, whether it’s in an exam or a relationship break-up, parents can use the situation as a learning opportunity for the child.
“Remind them of how you, the parent sees them and of the other talents and skills the child has and help them look for alternatives to get through the difficult time. Teach them to build their strength and get up again.”
The 7C’s for Resilience
Competence – empower children to make their own decisions.
Confidence – focus on the best in each child and recognise when he or she has done well.
Connection – build a sense of physical and emotional security within your home. Address conflict openly to resolve problems.
Character – demonstrate how behaviours affect others and help your child recognise himself or herself as a caring person.
Contribution – stress on the importance of serving others by modelling generosity.
Coping – develop coping skills to deal with stress and guide your child to develop positive and effective coping strategies.
Control – children who realise that they can control the outcomes of their decisions are more likely to realise that they have the ability to bounce back.
Source: Positive Parenting
Five Traits of Resilient Children
Perseverance - keeps trying despite failures, turning weakness into strength.
Daringness – bravery/courage to try something new, experiment with the unknown.
Resourcefulness – can find quick, clever solutions to thrive in challenging, ever changing environments.
Self-reliance – able to be independent in making his own decisions.
Adaptability – ability to quickly respond in a suitable manner to a challenging environment.
Source: Raise Them Resilient - www.aptagro.com.my
Parenting Styles
Authoritative (warmth and strictness)
Sets clear rules that children are expected to follow.
Does allow for exceptions to these rules.
Teaches children proper behaviour by allowing them some flexibility in making their own decisions.
Good behaviour is reinforced with praise and rewards.
Permissive (warmth but no strictness)
Tends not to discipline their children.
Takes the approach of being a friend rather than a parent.
Less likely to set boundaries and will ignore negative behavior.
Authoritarian (strictness but no warmth)
Rules are to be followed without exception.
No room for negotiation because parents believe they know best.
No explanation for the reasons behind the rules.
Uninvolved (neither warmth nor strictness)
Neglects children by not meeting even their basic needs.
Expects children to raise themselves.
Typically lacks knowledge about parenting and may feel overwhelmed about life in general.
Source: Positive Parenting