THERE are so many things to do when your loved one passes away. For some, the role of caregiver doesn’t just end after his loved one dies. They have to make the funeral arrangements, organise prayer sessions (some can go on for several days), inform relatives and friends who may have missed the initial news, and deal with the estate of the deceased.
There’s so much to be done, and many of us aren’t really prepared for this. Of course we would have heard about what so-and-so did and how things were done. But honestly, where to even begin?
What I’ve discovered is this: Never try to do everything alone, and never be ashamed to reach out and ask for help. Just like when we played our role as caregivers, ask for help when you feel lost and alone. Suffice to say, we’re never alone because there are so many who have gone through this.
While we were caregivers for our ailing loved ones, we always referred to doctors, nurses and therapists, as well as friends and relatives when we were unsure of what to do or expect. The same applies for the next step — funeral arrangements. Obviously, it helps if you’re a member of a congregation. Even if you’re not a regular at any particular house of worship, you can still reach out to them. They’ll rarely ever turn anyone away. I find the fastest “go to” for such things are the elders of the family, relatives, or friends who know what to do.
There’ll be customs and rituals that you may not be aware of, so it’s a good idea to learn about them soon. Now is a good time to do so. Learning will also help when it comes to your own time. You’ll be better informed about how to instruct your caregivers, children and family regarding how you might want things done.
BEING PRACTICAL
Dealing with the estate of your deceased loved one is quite another story. It can be complicated and arduous, depending on the circumstances. That said, it can also be smooth-sailing if everything is in order and clear instructions had been given when your loved one was still alive and lucid.
On that matter, I must say that I’m luckier than most because my parents left clear instructions regarding what should be done and how they wanted these done upon death. It was I who refused to engage in that conversation because I wanted my parents to live forever. Every time they brought up the topic, I’d change the subject.
My parents were pragmatic people who spoke openly about death and were philosophical about the cycle of life. The years before they breathed their last were challenging as they aged and declined with illness. But they always told us to be brave, to stand united as a family and to honour their wishes.
When they passed away, all legal matters were settled within two years of their demise. The only thing that my siblings and I had to deal with were their personal effects. This wasn’t an easy task for us because we were quite emotional about them.
Each one of us grieved in our own way as our relationship with our parents differed, since we were born at different periods of their lives. For example, my elder siblings were more deferential to my parents, while the younger ones got away with a lot more because my parents had mellowed over the years.
LETTING GO
There were things that we had no problems giving away immediately, and some that took a little longer. There are people who keep their loved one’s rooms and belongings as though they’re still alive. It’s their way of dealing with their (loved one’s) passing.
There are several ways we can treasure their belongings without keeping the physical items in the home. One is to photograph them for posterity. The other is to pass them on to relatives who might find joy in using them. There’s no point in keeping things in your house; they’d just create clutter. Being sentimental sometimes takes up too much space.
If you have items belonging to your deceased loved one and are mulling whether or not to give them away, then the time may actually be right for you to just do so — without guilt and with a clear conscience. By letting some things go, you’re ready to leave the past behind and closing that chapter, you can look forward to the future by moving on.