EVERY marriage is dotted with arguments — one cannot deny it.
Like the lyrics to a song by the late P. Ramlee, taken from the film Tiga Abdul (1964): “Sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, apa pula suami isteri”, (a quarrel between a husband and wife is akin to how the tongue is seldom inadvertently bitten).
Somewhere in a marriage, couples squabble over thorny issues.
But do husbands understand what their women really want?
Most of the time, men think that they know and understand, but most of us are clueless to what women want. When a woman complains of what she doesn’t like about her husband, he usually responds with rebuttals and denials.
For example, a man who has taken a new hobby in fishing over the weekends, for which his wife doesn’t agree with as he will take away their time together to be at some pond in the country side.
He will defend himself by saying his hobby brings about calmness and tranquility to him, de-stressing his cluttered life. This is the tipping point when the wife responds: “Do you mean this home isn’t calm and tranquil to you any more?” Big mistake.
This situation also seems to be the tipping point for married men when they start asking for advice from their friends. They seek some sort of enlightenment, an insight whether other blokes like them are facing the same situation in their marriage.
They don’t complain about their wives, but they feel the need to share stories with their equally clueless married friends, who don’t understand what and why their wives think, say and behave in such a way.
They have been in this dilemma even after 10 years of marriage. Needless to say, they are confused with the behaviour of their wives who seem to share the same traits of demeanor. These demeanors are sometimes two- to four-word tirades that make men go bonkers.
Married men can’t understand when their wives say “takpa lah” (it’s fine) to abate a heated argument. The argument can be over something that she needs urgently, but the silly husband will not want to do it or listen to her request.
The next thing you know is your dinner isn’t prepared. There will be just biskut kering (crackers) and a cup of sugarless coffee on the dining table. That’ll be her payback for your refusal to go buy a dozen eggs, sugar and a kilogramme of onions at the sundry shop.
“Tak de apa-apalah” (it’s nothing) is a sentence that goes together with a sulky face when your woman sits on the bed, staring blank into space, looking somewhat oblivious. There are two signals here. One, she is angry and disappointed in you. And two, she wants to be pujuk (consoled) over something you said and did or you didn’t attempt to do anything in a cold war with the missus.
“Ikut awaklah” (up to you) poses two situations. One, if the husband asks his wife where and what does she want to savour while eating out, he needs to read and pay attention to unarticulated signs that she is trying to show.
In this situation, he must quickly get the drift the kind of food she has been craving for over the last few weeks. She may be craving due to pregnancy, but the danger is when you are inattentive after promising her a date night.
Please, oh please, my good men, be a good sport. Take her to the best restaurant in town, that makes her happy. If you promise her a date night, don’t take her to a warung eating your favourite nasi goreng paprik.
The second surmises a situation when your wife laments “ikut awaklah” because you refused to listen anything she said when she’s tried to give an opinion about something important or a decision that’s crucial to the family.
This statement is uttered while an argument is building up. But when she adds “ikut suka hati awaklah” (just do whatever you want) in a raised voice, that means she’s really angry with you, especially when you “buat endah tak endah” (showing inattention).
Whenever “baiklah” (alright) is uttered, be careful! Listen carefully how “baiklah” is being said and pay real attention to her body language. Stop idling on your smartphone; look at her and stay focused.
Your wife is probably asking you to give her undivided support to her proposal and suggestion, but you’re not all ears. Probably, she has been telling you to throw the trash away for days, but you’re not listening to her. She ends up doing it herself.
“Lantaklah” (whatever) is when she becomes really irritated of you “littering” your soiled underwear or kain pelikat all over the place. She’ll leave those stuff on the floor until you realise that it’s time to do your own chores of putting the dirty linens and soiled clothes into the washing machine.
If it is her turn to put a deaf ear on you and if she is really fed up of listening to what you’re saying, you’ll hear her say this: “Apa-apa sajalah” (anything will do).
Finally, when your wife says: “Bencilah” (I hate it), don’t interject and never give her advice. She’s expressing her discomfort or displeasure against a situation or someone. My advice: You only need to nod and say: “Yes, sayang (darling).”
Generally, husbands have difficulty in listening... listening hard. When you realise you’re not paying attention to what she’s saying, do this: Hug her, give her a peck on the cheek, say sorry and express gratitude that she has been a terrific wife from the seventh heaven!
Four things you have to do, dear clueless husbands! I reiterate: Hug, kiss, say sorry and express gratitude! This is an unofficial advice from another clueless husband who is still on the learning curve to understand women!
C’est la vie.