WE all want the best for our children. But our ideas may not always align with theirs. When that happens, they'll start to resist and we may become more forceful in our approach. Is this the right way? Is there a better way to make them do things without breaking the relationship?
When a child is resistant about doing something, parents would normally just push them to do it anyway. When we do this, sometimes the child ends up discovering their strengths and talents. However, it may also cause more harm than good. Let's explore some ways to know the difference.
When a child is becoming too comfortable, it's good to give them a little nudge. When they stop trying and challenging themselves, we should be worried. When things become too comfortable, they'll stop growing. This is when pushing is good to get them into the growth zone.
At the same time, avoid pushing them too hard at the early stage. A better strategy is to "pull" them into the new territory. Start by showing the benefits of the other side. For example, if your child gets too comfortable playing games at home, remind them of the wonderful friends they're not seeing at the playground.
If they show anxiety and resistance, take the opportunity to explore the issues deeper. There could be genuine reasons, such as bullying or personal safety. Do something together to remove the roadblocks.
At the same time, focus on the improvement aspect instead of actual results. Give generous praise and encouragement as they slowly make their way into the new territories. Any slight improvement, no matter how small, is good. For example, if they've been stuck indoors and online for so long, even a short time outdoor is an improvement.
BALANCING ACT
We can also offer appropriate rewards to further motivate our children. This was a method we used when we trained our children to do public speaking. It helped to overcome their anxiety. After a speech, even if it wasn't a good one, we took them out for ice cream. Over time, they got better and the rewards were adjusted accordingly.
While balancing the pushing and balancing method, be alert to their emotional state. If they become too anxious and depressed, take a break. Avoid blaming anyone, ourselves included.
Review the approach and analyse which ones are working and which require modifications. Scale down if need be. Start smaller with something easier. In the case of public speaking training, we restarted by asking them to just read the prepared text. That helped calm their nerves. Gently move to higher phases as they get more comfortable.
Running a family is like running a marathon. Don't dash unnecessarily. Instead, nudge them forward with gentle, loving care. Offer plenty of support and encouragement. Celebrate every little improvement. Before we know it, they'll be moving higher out of their comfort zone and into their growth zone.
Zaid Mohamad coaches and trains parents to experience happier homes and more productive workplaces. Reach him at zaid@smartparents.com.my.