IT'S both a blessing and a curse to be strong and dependable. People rely on you and sometimes forget that you have your weaker moments. Even if you were to tell them that you're not feeling so well, they assume you'd be fine and bounce back in no time.
You may feel invisible and taken for granted even if no one means to make you feel that way. But the load keeps getting dumped on you to carry it through. My late father used to tell me: "If you want to get something done quickly, give it to the busiest person. They'd know how to sort it out pronto."
The "people pleaser" in you (a common trait in many caregivers) will just accept the added task and try to get it done — and not just done but done well. If that's where you are right now, and especially if you're a caregiver, you need to find some balance before you suffer from burnout.
If you're feeling overwhelmed and constantly exhausted, becoming easily irritated or angry, sad most of the time, having problems sleeping, frequent headaches and bodily pain, and losing interest in things you used to enjoy, you're suffering from caregiver stress.
Some people may notice you struggling to get by each day and earnestly want to help, but what they say doesn't make you feel better. Instead, it makes you feel even more helpless and alone.
The weight on your soul feels heavy and you feel like no one can support you with your burden. If that's what you're feeling, do something about it.
DOING SOMETHING
It's very comforting to have trusted confidants who are good listeners. But not everyone's lucky to have that. Alternatively, seek help by talking to a professional counselor or psychologist. Talk therapy always has its advantages. Some herbal remedies and calming activities like prayers, meditation, walks, yoga, swimming and dancing may work too.
However, what's most important is for you to recognise the symptoms and admit that you have to do something about it. Muster up some sort of recovery plan for yourself while fitting in other people's requirements the way you've always been doing.
It'll be better to weed out the unnecessary. But more importantly, in that plan, you need to insert time slots for yourself. Do things that nurture your well-being and make yourself happy.
This is a long-term strategy that you must figure out and work on, especially if you have loved ones in your care that will go on for years.
If you have the funds and resources for it, start looking for reliable people to help you. This would really be advantageous for you, especially if your own health is a concern.
Caregivers who are in their 50s and beyond have always been in the "sandwich generation", where they have to look after their elderly parents and relatives, as well as their own children. But who'll look after them? If they're lucky, their children may reciprocate and care for them the way they cared for their parents.
This is why it's also important for you to impart care-giving skills and knowledge to your children, the next generation, so that it will come naturally to them. They won't be half as clueless or as scared as you were when you first embarked on your care-giving journey.
PASSING THE BATON
Start by sharing what you know. Tell them the stories of what you had to do to get things done. Ask them to help you with the little things. This is a training of sorts.
As time goes by, you can start to rely on them to do the bigger things. Nothing beats the feeling of having someone you trust, do things for you. This is a form of letting go too.
It's not quite a formal succession plan, but what you'd achieve is to lighten your load, slowly passing the baton to someone else, and preparing them to be a better, caring person. In the meantime, you can focus on healing yourself. With better health, you'd be able to be more focused on improving your quality of life.
Give yourself permission to rest, and to not do something to your detriment. Tell yourself it's okay to say "no" to some people, and to not always answer the phone or every incoming message. Be brave enough to stop when you're tired and tell them so, because going on despite exhaustion harms not just you, but the people in your care.
If you need some reason to hook your resolutions to, tell yourself this is something you need to do to kick off the New Year. We're still in the first month of 2022, and if you need a bit more time, you can say you're starting your new resolutions with the coming Chinese New Year.
(The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.)
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at juneitajohari@yahoo.com.