MANY of us have, at some point, lost someone we dearly love. It could be our parents, spouse, siblings, child, favourite relatives or friends. The depth of grief we feel may vary, but we grieve all the same.
Mother's Day falls on the second Sunday of May. It so happened that when this month rolled in, I suddenly thought about my beloved mother who passed away 15 years ago. I miss her; fortunately, I have quite a few memories of her that I can recollect.
I just need to look at her favourite things, look at old photos, or cook her favourite food or specialty. Or, I could just close my eyes and summon all the memories, sifting through the pages in my mind. I can do the same for my late father and my two brothers too.
I have family and friends who have lost their spouse and/or children. There are many others who've lost more. I'm not about to compare who has lost more or not at all. We feel grief and process it differently. Some take longer than others.
There'll be people who encourage you to move on and embrace life again. That term "moving on" has always bothered me, but I'd never been able to quite put into words that feeling because I'd not been able to totally suss it out until recently.
During the recent holy month of Ramadan, I heard a talk by Dr Omar Suleiman, an American Muslim scholar. He spoke about the difference between "moving forward" and "moving on". These two terms may sound similar and seem like mere semantics, but they really have entirely different meanings.
MOVING ON
He mentioned that it's not good to mourn a death for months and years. When you bury someone that you love, you move forward. Their memory may still be with you and you don't move on from them.
Moving on implies leaving something behind, and the idea of this can be incredibly distressing. It feels like you've put all thoughts and memories in some box and sealed it all up, never to look at them again. It also implies that all feelings associated with it are sad, and that you'd somehow feel guilty if you laughed or even loved again.
Moving on also implies your life will return to normal, and everything would go on like it used to. When you lose someone, that's nearly impossible to do. Everywhere you go in the house would always hold some sort of memory that remind you of their absence.
When people tell you to move on, whether it's from death, divorce or something that had been traumatic to you, it feels like they want you to have some sort of closure. It feels as if you're being asked to do something as simple as closing a book, never to look back.
When it comes to dealing with feelings, there's nothing simple about it because sometimes, the heart and the mind cannot reconcile things at the same time. Grief doesn't come with a timeline either. That's why time is needed for the process to complete (if at all), or at least heal the pain.
There's no one way or a right or wrong way to grieve. You just need to do it your way, on your own time. It may take a long time to reach this point. Don't feel guilty about it or feel as though there's something wrong with you.
MOVING FORWARD
When we're going through something like this, we need to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the time to process it. Of course, it's important to first acknowledge it, and then work on it.
"Moving forward", however, is a positive thing. It allows us to be happy without feeling guilty. It enables us to laugh and enjoy the moment without that tinge of sadness as we consider "what if" situations. We must allow ourselves to be happy, to bring joy and an uplifting presence in the house. It doesn't mean you've forgotten your loved one.
You'll be meeting new people, experience new things and doing things you probably haven't done before. This enables you to have that space which can heal your grief. This is the process of moving forward. You have memories, some of which may be bittersweet, but you can go forward.
If you think about it, it's your past that makes you who you are now. This person in the present is also the person you've chosen to be. So, if a certain someone had been a precious part of your growth, why would you want to lock it away?
Instead, cherish those memories and honour the person you've become today. By moving forward, you allow yourself to evolve, creating a world where both happiness and heartbreak can occur. You chose to embrace life and not cling on to the past.
(The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.)
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at juneitajohari@yahoo.com.